tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-100645552024-03-14T04:28:43.501+11:00Up Too Late, As Usual ...This is a rather messy blog.
Sometimes I post fairly often, and sometimes I don't ...aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.comBlogger336125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-40469097913144756302017-10-03T02:58:00.000+11:002017-10-03T03:04:02.465+11:00A Long Post About Lots And A Little... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There have been a few interesting things happening in my life, but at the same time ... still not a lot of things happening/getting done ... (Like sorting out my house, and all my sewing stuff I never got unpacked and organised before I got too stressed to even think about it)<br />
At Least one good thing has happened at Last ... kind of a Large, or Little - depending how one Looks at it, but either way - Lovely, change ... which I found out about the day before it happened - I finally got to Leave, for the Last time, the place I had been working at for 15 years, where I had fallen apart, and been sent back to again, to work for the same Lunatics who still thought I was Lazy ...<br />
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I actually started writing about it as a letter J post, for <a href="http://abcwednesday.com/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a>, ready for posting Just a couple days after I started at the new place ... but I got a Little busy ... doing ...er ... not really getting a Lot done ... I think I was a Lot preoccupied with just coping with the sudden change, all at the same time as I was preparing and submitting an appeal to try and get my compensation claim approved (rather than denied on an annoying and stupid technicality that should not even apply)<br />
Anyway ... This is what I wrote, about 3 weeks ago now:
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Just a bit busy/preoccupied ...<br />
... had to sort out a few things that needed to be done, and ... I have been getting my head (and the rest of me, actually :) around a bit of a Jump in my reality ...<br />
Finally, (and rather suddenly I might add), it seems seems the "powers that be" have maybe read some of the medical/psych reports/etc that say that after what happened with/to me at work, and the way it was all (mis) handled ... maybe it is not a good thing for my mental health to have been sent back there again, to work with the same supervisors I had so many problems with (ya reckon? *sarcasm*) so ... I found out at a meeting with my case manager and somebody else from the Government directorate I work for, on Thursday afternoon, that while my name will still be against that position number, so that is technically still "my" job until I am able to gain another position within the organisation (which will not be easy, and may take some time) - they have decided that yes, I need to be moved out of the workplace I fell apart at, and have decided to send me elsewhere to do a temporary new Job - and ... bit of a shock because it was so sudden - the next day - a Friday - was my last day working at that particular school!<br />
So, after almost 15 years at this school (nearly 20 years of being a High School Science Assistant (lab technician/whatever - about 5 years at another school then 14 years at this one, until I "fell apart" last year) ... A job I used to love, where things started off fine ... and gradually went from fantastic, to good, to OK, to maybe not so ok, to not so good, to bad, to worse, to totally impossible ... and then falling apart when they tried to manage what I now know was a disability, and a mental health problem, as underperformance, having time off on sick leave, and being sent back there to do "alternate duties" (which was a rather awkward situation, to say the least) ... now I am finally out of that place!<br />
(It was a bit of a surprise for the school I was working at too - they didn't find out that it was my last day until that morning!)
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I will be working at a primary school until the end of this term ... and where I will be working next term will be decided at the end of this one (at the end of next week) ... so ... I still don't know where I will eventually end up ... but at least I am now able to get somewhere - hopefully do some more finding myself, and be able to work on recovering from the stress disorder ... I was told that I would be working with a nice, supportive supervisor (been a long, long, while since I have had one of those!) , and doing a few different things in the way of duties, in order to regain some self confidence (that all kind of escaped somewhere over the last several years) and also gain some experience in other things and start to work out what other things I actually can do ... which is exactly what my psychologist just said I needed!
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I am writing most of this on the weekend ... before I start my (temporary) new Job ... I may add something about how my first couple of days there go when I post this ... but at the moment I feel Just a bit ... strange ... not really sure actually (seems to be a normal thing for me ... by the time I work out how I actually feel about something, the something has probably changed and I feel different ... lol)<br />
There were also some nice, supportive, people there ... probably the only reason I was able to cope with being there, and 25 years of working there, and my kids both having been to that school while I was working there, it was familiar and I was used to the place and the people ... so I guess I have some "mixed emotions" ... and I am now stepping out into a new unknown ... so confusion is something "to be expected" ... so at least I am not worried about the fact that I feel so weird ... lol<br />
I think I am happy ... I must be - someone I was talking to about it today said I sounded happy ... lol ... Also slightly Aprehensive ... am I going to make an at least ok first impression, will I actually like the place/any of the work?, will I cope ok? (I think I most likely will be fine, but there is always that element of doubt ... sigh) ... all the normal things a person would worry about when they go to work at a new place, I guess ... lol ... but it all happened so suddenly ... I think it is taking a while for me to get my head around it all - I am probably still processing the whole thing ... and that would probably be true for anyone in the same situation, Autistic or not!<br />
(Thank goodness I don't have the huge problems with even small changes that some Aspies have ... although it is possible I do have some problems ... I don't really know ... how do I even know if the way I feel/react to things is normal? ... How do I even tell if the way I feel/do things is "normal" ... it is normal to me - lol)<br />
Oh ... one other weird thing ... in a recent post, I mentioned hiding a Geocache up a tree, because I just happened to have a ready to go one with me ... one I had tried to hide elsewhere (because I had noticed the only other one in that particular suburb had been missing for months) but it wasn't approved due to it being right next to a pre school and a primary school (where it was probably wouldn't have been a problem, but rules are rules) ... guess which primary school ... Yes I am about to go and work at the same one I tried to hide a Geocache too close to - lol - I guess I will have a good opportunity to find a better (and slightly more distant from the school yard) place to hide another one ...
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So ... back to now ... 3 weeks since I started at the new school, and now on a break for the school holidays. The first 2 weeks were Lovely ... but it felt rather weird ... for the first time in a Long time - I actually ... Liked ... going to work - lol<br />
It is now school holidays, so I am on "stand down" for the 2 weeks they go for, and I was told on the last day of term that I would be back at that same primary school for the first 3 or 4 weeks of next term, because they think it would be good for me to spend a Little bit Longer settling in and recovering from the trauma I have been put through ... yikes ... scary - someone actually being nice to me and caring and trying to help ... It all feels so odd ... I keep worrying that I am going to wake up and find I was dreaming ...<br />
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Unfortunately I am still not sure they really understand what is best for me, as in what sort of work I probably will like/be good at, and what type of work I maybe should or shouldn't do ... but hopefully that will be sorted out ...<br />
(Hopefully when the right peopLe talk to each other)<br />
Last term I was mainly working with cooking classes, and doing some work in the "kitchen garden" ... this term I will probably be doing more of that, and also maybe some work in the Library ... to see if I like, and am any good at, something Like that ...<br />
Then I will probably be sent to another school to try something different again ... maybe working with students in a Learning support unit ... All this is so I can see what sort of position I am suited to, gain some experience and skills, and work referees, for when I apply for a transfer to a new position ... either in a school, or somewhere else in the public service ... only problem is ... after 19 years working at the same thing (I was Science Assistant at another school, before I transferred to the one I spent 15 years at) and 5 years before that as an "at home mum" and 6 years before that in the Army doing something that no longer even exists as a job in the Army, let alone outside, a few other things before that, which were so long ago they don't count for a lot (ditto with my Dipploma of Applied Science in Natural Resources - almost totally useless now, except as an interest/background knowledge ... That was sort of vaguely useful in my role as science assistant, but not for much else now) ... in other words - I have Little in the way of other skills I need for a different job, and a sad Lack of any current qualifications ... so gaining a transfer will possibly not be easy, and may take some time ...
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So ... with everything going on in my Life with both the work situation and stuff and with the ongoing process of figuring myself out as far as what it now means to me to not only be Autistic/an Aspie, but at the moment also still a #StresedAspie, and my continuing Lack of getting myself organised at home/etc, and a few other things going on with family ... I am still a Little bit stressed, but I am hopeful that there is a Lot more Likelyhood that things are now going to get a Lot better :)
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Oh ... And the Geocache I mentioned I wanted to find a better spot to hide near the school I was moved to ... Yes, did that too :)<br />
... Hid it straight after my first day actually working there (the Tuesday, because I had a meeting there on Monday morning and then was sent home for the day, so before I went home I wandered over and Looked for a Likely spot to hide one, and organised the container, with a Log for finders to sign, that evening, and took it to work with with me the next day :)<br />
It is over the other side of the road, at an underpass ... hidden, published, and already been found by a few people ...<br />
Now waiting for a couple more of my Geocache hides to hopefully be published (they have to be approved by a reviewer) ... One Low down in a very small tree and the other high up a larger tree, on 2 different islands in my Local pond ... on Wednesday I went for a Lovely paddle in my kayak, and found places to hide them, then Thursday I crocheted some camouflage for them (yes, I am weird and do some strange creative things - lol) then on Friday, even though it was rather windy, I went for what I thought was actually another Lovely paddle to hide them :)
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Here, in no particular order, are some photos I took while I was out on the pond finding hiding spots and hiding the 2 Geocaches ...
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-16903711211168630792017-09-08T22:59:00.000+10:002017-09-08T22:59:44.946+10:00Instruction Manual? What Instruction Manual?<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">If there was an Instruction manual for me, It would be an Interesting read :)</span></div>
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... Unfortunately, when I was delivered, there wasn't one in the package.</div>
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So ... I guess I just have to figure it all out as I go ... I have read/watched a lot of online tutorials on how related models of human operate ... In other words - reading blogs and watching YouTube videos posted by other Aspies/Autistic people :)</div>
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Between that, and things I have learnt from talking with psychologists/etc, I am discovering, or learning reasons behind, all sorts of Interesting things about myself ... In some ways I have become my own science experiment ... I am finding a lot of this self discovery to be rather Intriguing :)</div>
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And ... the other day ... er ... a few weeks ago actually ... I sort of came up with something that is not quite Instructions, but is the beginnings of what is maybe a basic set of standard operating procedures ... which would be nice if people actually followed them ... </div>
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Everyone deserves respect.</div>
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Please treat me like a normal person.</div>
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I am an adult, who has been to university (I have a Diploma of Applied Science), travelled, served in the Army, married, had (and brought up) children, gone back to work, divorced, rebuilt my life, fallen apart, and put myself together again.</div>
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I am artistic and creative,</div>
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I am intelligent </div>
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(My IQ is probably higher than most people's)</div>
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I am fit and active,</div>
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I care about people,</div>
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I am willing and able to work hard,</div>
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I am loyal and honest,</div>
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... and I also happen to be Autistic.</div>
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So ... while I am fairly good at pretending I am completely "normal" there may be times when I come across as slightly odd, and I do sometimes have problems with communication - sometimes I might say the wrong thing, or not think to say something I should, or I may get excited about something and interrupt. Or I might not understand, or even totally misunderstand, something you say to me, or something I say may not make sense, or not mean what you think I said ... I know that sometimes happens, and I would prefer you to talk with me about it - point out to me if I have made a mistake - so that I can do something about it, or clarify what I meant if you don't like or are not sure about something I said or did - so we can understand each other better ... rather than have you be upset, treat me badly or complain about me to someone else ...</div>
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(It actually wasn't that difficult to work out those, now that I have worked out at least some of what went so wrong at work last year - I just had to think of the things that were done to me/not done for me ...)</div>
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I also tend to use way too many words to say things ... lol</div>
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and ... I am sure I did this last time we were up to the letter I for <a href="https://abcwednesday.com/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> ... here are a couple of other Interesting? things about me ...</div>
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Indecisive </div>
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I have always been Indecisive, but now I am not so sure ...</div>
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Actually - I am sure of that one ... another Aspie trait, I believe ... my problem is - I always want more Information before I can decide ... for example "Tea or coffee?" ... Well ... It depends If It Is Icky Instant coffee or you have real coffee that you make with a coffee machine or plunger ... and if the only tea you have is peppermint or some other equally disgusting flavour, or if you have normal tea, or a variety I will actually willingly Ingest.</div>
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... sometimes I gather a lot of information but I am still too confused to decide, and sometimes I take so long to decide on something that the decision is made for me ...</div>
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(Usually quite Irritating and/or Inconvenient)</div>
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Interestingly enough ... I had decided on something for this post a week or more before we were up to the letter I for ABC Wednesday ... I had an Idea in the shower ... and by the time I got out of the shower It had become 2 Ideas ... But I don't have to decide, because there is room for both ... In fact there is room for more than that - I added something else to the start of this post as well - another thing I "wrote" most of in my head while I was in the shower one night :)</div>
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Yes - I am an Interesting Individual!</div>
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... And I am usually quite happy to tell people why ... because I am an Individual ... and because I also happen to be Autistic ... </div>
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But I sometimes get a quite irritating response to telling people that ... why do so many people Insist on saying something like this?:</div>
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"Oh, but we are all on the spectrum somewhere"</div>
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Really?</div>
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I have a neurological difference that most people would not want themselves or their children to have, and that is usually referred to as a "condition" or a "disorder" ... and you want to Identify with that? ... how Intrigueing ... and totally Illogical ... </div>
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Maybe next time someone says that, I should reply with:</div>
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"Yes, I guess we are - if the spectrum you are talking about is the one where at one end is Informed/educated and at the other end is uninformed/Ignorant ... we are on opposite ends of that one, but if you have a few spare minutes I am happy to help you Inch a little bit further up towards my end ..."</div>
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I am quite happy to Inform people on topics I am familiar with ... being helpful is Intrinsic to my nature :)</div>
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So ... you are confused why my crazy brain Insisted on posting about so many I things, rather than saving some for next time around the alphabet?</div>
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So am I ... but I gave up and went with it ... LOL</div>
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... don't panic - I am sure I can think of plenty more ... not sure if everyone will like them all ... I guess it depends what I come up with for words like "Icky" and "illness" ... mind you, I could come up with a few Icky things to write about for a few otherwise Innocuous words as well :)</div>
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The hard part will be working out what to write for J next week ... or finding time to write it ... there are/will be things happening, that I will want to write about ... but until they do happen I won't know how they go, to know WHAT to write ... Cryptic? ... Yes ... you will Just have to wait and see ... </div>
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In the meantime, here is a photo of myself being an Idiot yesterday :)</div>
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... a silly selfie I took with my iPad - for some (not so) secret Geocaching business :)</div>
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And ... an Interesting thing that "fell out of my pencil" this evening ...</div>
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Maybe it is just because I think I feel that way, but to me the face in the drawing looks a little bit uncertain and Insecure ... I guess the drawing could mean anything anyone wants it to - I don't even know what it means and I drew the darn thing!</div>
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-73198503044975815062017-08-29T17:55:00.000+10:002017-08-29T17:55:58.240+10:00How Are You?<div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255 , 255 , 255 , 0); font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">"How are you?"</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Funny kind of question that ... often people will just say "ok" or "fine thanks, and you?" and sometimes, some people will tell the person asking that question EXACTLY how they are, right down to every last detail. I have read in a few places that a lot of Aspies, when asked that question, tend to say "I don't know" ... because often they actually don't ... and I can relate to that!</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br />(The stereotype of Aspergers is that we don't feel emotions, but that is totally wrong ... we do have emotions, and some are even overly empathic ... the problem is we often don't express them the same way, or understand them in ourselves and/or others, as well as other people ... I may or may not write something more about it one day ... there is already a lot been written about it online - look up "Alexithymia" if you want to know more :)</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">One thing I have learnt, is that "I don't know" isn't the answer people want ... they usually just expect "fine thanks" or if they are likely to be at all interested in the real answer - maybe something like "a bit tired after my long bushwalk" or "ok except for this flu bug I seem to have caught" ... rather than my whole life history or somesuch ...<br />So ... I often just answer "ok thanks" or lately, when I have not been totally ok and those asking me know that - I might say "getting there" or "surviving" or even something like "not that great" or "a bit stressed actually" ... but when I walk in to a GP or Psychologists clinic and the receptionist asks how I am ... I know they dont want to hear my entire medical history, but I can't just say the usual polite "ok thanks" ... because it is a bit bleeding obvious that the fact that I am coming to see a GP or a psychologist more than likely means I am NOT actually "ok" ... so I usually say something weird about that, something like "well - I am here seeing a Psychologist/doctor, so ... not too good I guess?" and we both end up laughing about what a silly question it is ... </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br />I also remember that there was one time, probably when I was a teenager, that someone asked "how are you" and my answer started with something along the lines of "well, my mum met my dad, and they loved each other so they got married and they ..." and I don't think I was allowed to continue any further with THAT particular answer :)</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">For some reason (probably because I was typing one of the journal entries I have been doing to help get my head around everything), I was thinking about how I am at the moment, and wondering if I was maybe a bit stressed, or if I was doing ok ... and this kind of happened in my head:</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"How are you?" (A very short story)</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"How are you today?" He said, as she walked in the door and nervously placed the referral letter, and the Mental Health Plan her GP had given her, down on the counter of the psychology clinic. "Er" she said, as she often does when she needs time to think of an answer, and she absent mindedly looked around the room while trying to work out what the answer should be. She was already aware of the girl she could now see - sitting in the corner, sobbing quietly on her mothers shoulder, and at the same time she could see the TV on the wall, playing yet another news article about that family who had just lost their son in a shooting incident at a shopping centre. She turned her head back toward the counter and her eyes paused a moment as she noticed that the man walking down the corridor only had one arm. Finally her brain clicked into gear enough for her to find words to answer the receptionists question "I am ok, thanks", she replied.</span></div>
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... So ... just in case some of the nice caring people who have followed the link from <a href="https://abcwednesday.com/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> and read a few of my blog posts are wondering:<br />
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How am I?<br />
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... actually ... at the moment, as I am posting this ... The best answer I can come up with is ... I don't know!</div>
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and yes - that IS my answer, for the same typical Aspie reasons I mentioned at the start of the post - lol</div>
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I<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> am ok ... not too bad, but not too good either ... but a bit better than last week ... which doesn't really say anything meaningful - lol </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Confusion seems to be my normal state of mind at the moment ... I think all the "red tape" and the "hurry up and wait" is getting to me ... sigh ...<br />I also think I still have a lot of figuring out to do, and still need more help with working out this whole emotions thing ... maybe it is easier to just keep being a Vulcan :)</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Live long, and prosper ...</span></div>
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-9968642369651137632017-08-23T12:46:00.002+10:002017-08-23T12:46:35.327+10:00Good Advice!<div>
... <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">and Geocaching ... this <a href="https://abcwednesday.com/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> post kind of Grew - lol - so if you don't want to read about psychologists and my mental health (again) - you can scroll down to the * and read the Geocaching stuff)</span></div>
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Earlier this year, I took this photo:</div>
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Yes ... it is a diagram thingy that my psychologist drew for me, on a page of his notebook ... and I took the photo of it with my iPad (which I had sort of been trying to take notes on) because I wanted to remember it, and remember to actually DO what it said ...</div>
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(in fact I think I kind of Got reminded I needed to do that this week actually, when I realised I was feeling a bit down, and worrying about things, and worrying about how I was worried, and how I felt and ... on and on ... the joys of an Aspie brain that gets stuck on things, I Guess :)</div>
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A week or 5 later, I decided it was such Good advice - that I should make it into a quilt (I have not Got around to that yet - been busy with making the ones I just had in the CQ exhibition) ... Yes ... It probably isn't normal to use something your psychologist drew for you as a quilt design ... especially as I also intend to put it in next years Exhibition, and the description will say what it is ... and I am sure most people think it is not normal to write a quilt description about how I was visiting a psychologist - but I am not normal (I even have a bit of paper that says so - lol) </div>
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The bit at the bottom, with slightly illegible writing in a couple of words, says "Stop! Do something enjoyable then come back to the problem"</div>
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Isn't it Great to have medical advice that says to Go and do something enjoyable?! :)</div>
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What a Great reason to Get out of doing some housework and Go Geocaching ... which is what I did quite a lot of ... and I think it was very Good "therapy" </div>
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What I had forgotten, and realised when I looked what date I had taken that photo ... was that he had drawn that diagram at ... THAT ... visit ... a session that was memorable, not because it was bad, but because it was Good ... it was the one where after a couple of sessions where I was wondering if I was Getting anywhere and if he was actually doing anything to help, he finally seemed to GET me ... and I finally Got the other piece of the puzzle that I had been trying to figure out ... </div>
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I had arrived, in a hurry from having also seen my GP for a review and then had a talk with the case manager who had organised my Graduated return to work (which the review was part of) and I ... thought ... I had some organised notes on my iPad, with some questions I had ... but I got all flustered and forgot what ones they were/where I had put them and kind of had a mini meltdown when I sat down to talk to the psychologist and couldn't find it ... which was not the Good thing I was Going to mention, but it was also another interesting bit of the puzzle that is me ... I had been reading about Aspies having overload and either having meltdowns, or shutting down ... and that is what I think happened then ... but with me i guess it isn't something I Get that often, isnt the total overload/shutdown that some Aspies get, and I don't get it from sensory overload, it seems to be emotional stuff ... and I have since thought of a couple of other weird incidents from the last several years, that I never understood what the heck happened and why, but I now have an explanation for ...</div>
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But the main thing about that particular session - the missing puzzle piece I needed -was just after that, when I had got my brain to sort of half work again, and we were talking and I was trying to describe how I was feeling and how I was frightened by how I felt, and how I didn't understand it, and how I felt weird and totally confused and overwhelmed by everything that was going on in my life ... and he suddenly stopped and looked at me, and said something like "I don't know why I didn't pick up on this before ... you feel [cant remember his exact words but he described much the same thing as I just had]? ... I think I said "yes" ... and he said "that's anxiety" ... </div>
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[if this was a cartoon, that would have been the point where a lightbulb appeared above my head and lit up with a ding sound ... I probably just sat there stunned for a few seconds :] </div>
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I have since realised that for me, anxiety doesn't feel like the textbook description I must have read somewhere, and it has been something I have had, to at least some degree, for many years, probably on and off for most of my life ... long enough that I just thought it was normal to feel like that, I guess ... </div>
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The other weird thing is - I wrote in my notes, shortly after that session, that he had told me, sometime near the end, that I was now calmer/more settled than he had ever seen me ... I had forgotten about that ... I know something changed in me as a result of that day/visit ... but I didn't realise it had started to happen that quickly - lol</div>
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(within a couple weeks of that visit, I started having people who had not seen me since before then, tell me that I had changed ... calmer, more settled, happier ... Mum even went as far as to say I was the old me, a happier me, who she had not seen for many years ... yet also a new me ... Which I agree with ... the Autism diagnosis' and all this working out what makes me tick ... has been a really positive change ... I am not sure where I read the term, but I now feel more comfortable in my own skin ...</div>
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For a day that started off with a slightly stressful GP review, and turned into a bit of a shambles for a bit ... It actually ended up being a very Good day ... </div>
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And ended up with me almost unintentionally taking that Good advice ... This was the day I think I blogged about a while ago, where I went to a public lecture/free lunch just after the psychologist session, then went wandering up a hill to find a Geocache, and sat and did some Mindfulness meditation under a tree while I was up there (mindfulness probably also deserves some of the credit for the Good progress I was making mental health wise at the time), then I went to an art exhibition opening, and then went shopping ... and on the way back I decided to Go and look for the new Geocache in the car park ... and met another Geocacher, who was waiting for 2 others and we all went and had a Good time climbing trees in the dark, to find the Geocaches up there :)</div>
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And Good Grief! ... I just noticed I had spelled "unintentionally" as "unintensionally" ... oh dear ... I guess I was talking about stress, so maybe that is why it came out with the word "tension" in there - although that is probably just a typo/not thinking about spelling ... and my Aspie brain now noticing weird wordplay and connections between things - LOL</div>
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I wrote most of this blog post a few days before I intend to post it ... It is now the next day, and yes, I am still going to wait a couple more days and post it for ABC Wednesday (as you may have Guessed - this week is the letter G :)</div>
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Today (Saturday :) I went and took that Good advice ... In the morning I went for a fun walk (along part of the Canberra Centenary Trail, and up a hill) with a group of people, and then most of us went for coffee ... (I had an iced coffee and lunch :) and then I decided to go find some Geocaches ... I stopped to find one just down the road, before heading out elsewhere ... but I never got out to the elsewhere because that first one was at an interesting place to explore ... actually a dog park (fenced area to exercise dogs off leash), which I didn't know was there - probably only a few locals who do - it was deserted the whole time I was there, and rather overgrown ... and quite a pretty patch of bush - so I might take my dog out there tomorrow :)</div>
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So what did I spend a couple of hours doing in a dog park without a dog? </div>
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Took a few dozen photos ... many of which were selfies - lol</div>
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A few of them were OK ... This one is probably Good enough to Go in here:</div>
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[oops, was trying to decide and must have selected 2 - lol]<br />
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I also found a nice spot to not only take a few more silly selfies, but to sit and do a mindfulness meditation thing, the ones that I mentioned at the beginning of this post, which I had kind of stopped getting around to doing lately ... I should keep doing it actually ... </div>
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Here is another silly selfie, or 2, that I took in that nice spot:</div>
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... and, because it was a nice spot' and there was only one Geocache inside the fence (the one I found) and one other outside the fence (which I had already found another day) I decided to look and see if there was room to hide my own Geocache over the other side ... yes there was ... picked out a possible spot ... and then walked a bit further, and I found a tree ... a pine tree, in a corner ... one I could climb ... Yes - of course I climbed it ...</div>
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I actually had a ready to hide Geocache with me (one I had tried to hide in a not so good spot, then gone back and removed when it wasn't approved) ... so ... it is now up the tree ... no, you can't go find it yet - I have to finish doing the listing for it and submit it before it is published (if it is actually approved)<br />
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I decided it was getting too late to go out and get the other Geocaches I had planned to drive a few km to find (but they will be perfect for one day after work, when I need to wind down), and so headed home ... but I stopped and found another Geocache on my way ... and found another tree ... lol</div>
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(I didn't have another cache to hide, but I have a weird idea for a biggish one I can hide up there ... maybe even a multi ... where to find it you have to go somewhere and collect information and then use it in some way to calculate/figure out where to go and look for the cache ... trouble is - I now have to figure out the figuring out bit that people will have to do for it - lol</div>
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... by the time I Got home and headed out to take the dog for his walk, it was Getting late, and it Got Dark while we were out walking - lol<br />
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Also, by the time I cooked a Good dinner and did a few things ... It has Got late ... Where has my evening Gone?</div>
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Ok ... now it IS Wednesday ... am just about to hit "publish" on this ... and a duplicate version on Wordpress - at <a href="http://aykayem.wordpress.com/2017/08/23/good-advice/">aykayem.wordpress.com/2017/08/23/good-advice/</a> </div>
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-47050367887312341592017-08-17T16:24:00.003+10:002017-08-17T21:16:44.784+10:00All the Fun of the (Craft :) Fair<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">There is one particular weekend each year, when someone says "have a good weekend" I can Fairly confidently say "yes, I will" ... not specifically because of the Craft Fair, but because included in that is the Canberra Quilters exhibition :)</span></div>
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I generally manage to enter at least one quilt, sometimes a Few ... This year I entered Four ... and, surprisingly enough, I actually got them all Finished in time for delivery day (just! - there *might* have been some Frantic last minute sewing involved, as is usual For me :)</div>
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The Craft Fair/Quilt exhibition actually goes For more than just the weekend - it is also on the Thursday and Friday, but I generally can't go on those days because I am at work (as was the case this year too) however on Saturday and Sunday usually Find me there For the whole day, either wandering around looking at quilts or checking out the vendor stalls, and buying something or another that I probably don't really need (although this time I bought a few buttons and charms' and a pack of Fat quarters - which are 1/4 of a metre of quilt Fabric - and I Found some wooden star shaped beads, there were only 2 packets left, but if there had been more I would have bought more because I had been wanting more For a while - they are the same as the ones I used for the Fidget bracelets I posted about a Few months ago - I had Forgotten where I got them From ... I guess it was at the Craft Fair last year :)</div>
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I had started typing about my Exhibition Entries as my E post for <a href="https://abcwednesday.com/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> ... but I kind of never got around to copying it in to blogger (From the notes app on my iPad, where I typed it) and Editing it ... but I did post something Else For that, over on my Wordpress blog - which I created a Few years ago, and decided to Experiment with again, to see if it works better than Blogger ... that post is at https://aykayem.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/everything-is-starting-to-make-sense-now/</div>
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Anyway ... I decided to copy a big chunk of the E stuff into this post, because kind of Fits nicely here:</div>
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<i>Excited ...</i></div>
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<i>... and Extremely surprised and happy ... I Entered 4 quilts in the Canberra Quilters Exhibition ... and one of them got a second prize! </i></div>
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<i>I actually found out I had won a second prize a few days ago, while I was Entertaining myself, being Energetic, and just a little bit crazy, taking photos in the wind and rain, on top of Mt Stromlo, after having gone on a bushwalk all morning, had coffee, and then walked up 2 other smaller hills to find Geocaches :)</i></div>
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<i>I would include a photo of it here ... Except ... In my usual Extremely disorganised state (Executive Function is not one of my strong points :) I Ended up finishing the last of the stitching on one of them at about the same time as I needed to walk out the door to go and deliver them ... and I only just made it in time ... and I didn't take photos of the quilts before I left home because inside my house is a bit dark and outside there are patches of bright sunlight with weird shadows in all the wrong places, so I had figured I would take photos at the Canberra Quilters rooms, when I got there to deliver the quilts, as the lighting is better for photos there - a lot more Even ... But when I arrived, the people checking and signing the quilts in were ready to head home because the heating had not been working all day and they were freezing, so I didn't get a chance to take photos ...</i></div>
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<i>I was hoping to be able to take photos today, when I was there helping hang the exhibition. .. but, after the Extremely frustrating and difficult task of organising to work some Extra time Elsewhen, I order to Extricate myself from work slightly Early, I had just headed off and driven on,y a short way down the road when I was called and told threat the hanging was done, so I do t need to go ... so ... I Expect I will be Finding a way to include my quilt photos in an F post next week :)</i></div>
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Of course I Forgot to actually Finish and post that ... but now I have taken some photos of the quilts I had in the exhibition, so I can Fiddle with those so they look ok and put them in here For you all (the 2 people who might read this? lol) to see:</div>
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(I also stole my descriptions, From the online catalogue (a First this year - they used to do a printed one), in case they are too hard to read on the signs, in the photos.)</div>
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Falling apart... and putting myself together again 84 x 132 cm </div>
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Andrea made this quilt at the various drop-in sessions in the Canberra Quilters rooms, from scraps she picked up from ‘the free-to-a-good-home’ bucket. Coming in and sewing this and other things was good therapy while she was off work, recovering from a stress disorder. </div>
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Crosses? or Plusses? 101 x 101 cm </div>
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This quilt was made from blocks done Canberra Quilters Modern Quilt Group meetings. The name means that, sometimes, things that seem like ‘crosses’ (such as unfortunate events) can turn out to be ‘pluses’ – it all depends on how one looks at life. </div>
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Late Bloomer (finally finding myself) 50 x 70 cm </div>
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Having spent most of her life feeling like she was fighting an invisible enemy, this year, at age 54, Andrea was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. This was actually good news – rather than having missed her prime, she can now be a late bloomer and be happy being herself. </div>
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Whatever Happens...Happens 30 x 26 cm </div>
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Draw a rough idea; find fabric; draw a neater design, but totally change it; change fabric; change design a bit more; do nothing for three weeks; submit entry form; start making quilt. Yes, that is how someone whose life has gone a bit haywire does things! </div>
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And ... this one is not mine, nor is the photo (I forgot to take one on my phone, so I "borrowed" this one from the Canberra Quilters Website - this one also won a prize), but I did help make a tiny bit of it - I was at the meeting where we sewed the blocks, and I think I put together about 4 blocks, using fabric someone else had, because the type/colour fabrics we used were something I don't actually have in my stash ... I can't actually remember what fabric I used, which makes it a bit hard to pick out which blocks ... or if they actually even ended up IN there ... sigh </div>
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<a href="https://i2.wp.com/canberraquilters.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Quilt-87.jpg?resize=550%2C600" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="550" height="320" src="https://i2.wp.com/canberraquilters.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Quilt-87.jpg?resize=550%2C600" width="293" /></a></div>
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Kross Kut Kaffe 169 x 154 cm </div>
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Members of the busy Canberra Quilters Modern Quilting Group contributed some Kaffe Fassett and low volume background fabrics. Some fun and creative collaborative piecing and cross-cutting revealed a chaotically intriguing and colourful modern quilt. </div>
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I did make my own Cross Cut quilt too ... but it is still only a top ... I wanted to enter it in the exhibition, but it only fitted in the same catagory as 2 of my others, and we could only enter 2 quilts in each catagory ... besides ... I still have not worked out how the heck I want to actually quilt it ... or when I will actually get around to it ... lol<br />
Because I don't still have the photo on my phone, and can't find it quickly on my Google photos online - here is a screenshot of my post on Instagram - which is where we found out about this design :)<br />
(if you have Instagram and type in that # you will see a whole lot more, and I found the link to the instructions in there too ... not that I really followed them that exactly or anything ...)<br />
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There are photos of the prize winning quilts on the Canberra Quilters website ... At <a href="http://canberraquilters.org.au/2017-members-exhibition-results/">http://canberraquilters.org.au/2017-members-exhibition-results/</a><br />
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Oh ... and, like most of my posts on here, this post is a bit weird because it is my letter F post for <a href="https://abcwednesday.com/">https://abcwednesday.com/</a> :)<br />
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-13557115436089716162017-08-16T18:35:00.000+10:002017-08-16T18:35:59.847+10:00Everything Is Starting To Make Sense Now ...<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HlngXtflXyI/WZP0GIyjR0I/AAAAAAAAQJo/uOhI8n-Dk7YE6-oy68sQxqEQMjuv3Ym5QCKgBGAs/s1600/DSC_5921.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HlngXtflXyI/WZP0GIyjR0I/AAAAAAAAQJo/uOhI8n-Dk7YE6-oy68sQxqEQMjuv3Ym5QCKgBGAs/s320/DSC_5921.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
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My oh my, how things have changed since I wrote my first post on https://aykayem.wordpress.com/ !<br />
(which is where I posted this, a few days ago, and where I might keep blogging, because Blogger is getting really really annoying :)<br />
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At the time I started that Wordpress blog, I (thought I) was happily married, I seemed to have a good life, and a job that even though it didn’t pay to well, it was one I liked … and the hours were good and the pay was enough with what my husband earned as well … I thought my life was relatively normal … and I had a place in the world, even if I achieved nothing else in life, it now didn’t matter, as I was the mother of my children 🙂<br />
Maybe I was not quite where a younger me had hoped and dreamed I might be, but it was ok …<br />
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… but I was not ok … I guess I never really was … that started to become all too evident when things started to unravel …
I guess my life had been unravelling a bit for some time … but the first I noticed anything wrong, apart from a niggling feeling that I wasn’t totally happy, but I couldn’t work out why, was the day my (now ex) husband came home early from work and announced that he was leaving me, as he packed up his things – said had decided we would be happier apart … turns out he was actually right about that … just an … interesting … way of doing things …<br />
At the time I then realised that things had not been right for quite a while … but at that stage I just thought it was him, and the fact that we had not been right for each other … we weren’t … but it turns out there was a lot more to it than just that …<br />
I probably don’t need to do a whole long blog post all about what happened next/since then … I blogged it <strike>over</strike>here ... at aykayem.blogspot.com … and I think I am going to copy those posts in <strike>here, to this</strike> to my Wordpress blog, if it works …
(By all means, feel free to follow that link and go and read them all)<br />
… except I will say that when he left early in 2013, I realised I had not been happy for quite some time, and I started picking up the pieces of my life, and rebuilding … I cleaned up, packed up, and sold “our” house, and bought and moved to my own house, and I was looking for a better job … I was told I was coping really well, and I felt like I was doing fine … but there was one crucial price of the puzzle missing … in fact it had been missing for many, many years … and things stopped getting better, and started getting worse … until last year, when I started to realise that something was not right, but couldn’t work out what I was doing wrong, and I spiraled into a mess of anxiety and depression, and ended up falling apart …<br />
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But now, this year, at 54 years of age … I have found that missing piece of the puzzle that I am …<br />
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… after a lifetime of feeling alien and different and confused, I have finally found somewhere I fit in, somewhere I belong – and I am actually happy to say that I have joined the ranks of the “late diagnosed Aspies”<br />
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Yes – I – who went to university, served in the Army, married and had kids, became involved in all sorts of stuff in the community, and has worked in the same job for about 18 years, until I finally “broke” – am actually Autistic …<br />
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… and I am now in the … interesting … process of finding my true self 🙂<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZG3Gm9toVMM/WZPzl9Dj1dI/AAAAAAAAQJg/Bm80dEznjKIDS1FQNwznNYFQx_m93OLMgCLcBGAs/s1600/twit.jpeg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZG3Gm9toVMM/WZPzl9Dj1dI/AAAAAAAAQJg/Bm80dEznjKIDS1FQNwznNYFQx_m93OLMgCLcBGAs/s320/twit.jpeg" width="320" /></a>aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-79001388901528700082017-08-16T16:55:00.001+10:002017-08-16T16:55:51.726+10:00Another futile attempt to post "Everything Is Starting To Make Sense Now...<p dir="ltr">Everything for Blogger, it seems ... Which is annoying me no end... So feel fred to ignore this and/or just go follow the link at the bottom :)<br>
...several attempts to save posts as drafts and have either the Android or iPad app not lose them is annoying... especially when I only have to do that because the apps don't do things I need to do (simple things like adding links or putting photos where I want them) but the on-line editor does not work properly on either Safari or Chrome on my iPad... Which is why, last week, I decided to try posting the [now not] below post on WordPress... It worked ok :)<br>
So... now trying to decide if I should just blog there... <br>
I also tried to post this [the post this WAS going to be] yesterday and the Blogger app lost it... currently arguing with blogger again... I copied in the text from WordPress, and a couple of the photos, again, and saved it as a draft, on my phone ... and have just logged in to blogger on the Web browser on my laptop... Which doesn't think it exists... so I am adding this whinge, on my phone... and am about to see if it will lose it, or still not show up in blogger on my laptop, or actually work... </p>
<p dir="ltr">Nope... not working... think the photo links were broken too... gave up and deleted it because I can't be bothered making it work... I might try again doing it all on my laptop... but in the meantime, or if Blogger won't even do that... the WordPress post is at <a href="https://aykayem.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/everything-is-starting-to-make-sense-now/">https://aykayem.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/everything-is-starting-to-make-sense-now/</a></p>
<p dir="ltr">... now I just have to work out the idiosyncrasies of that particular platform and make that blog look a bit better... sigh... <br>
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-89550192203759600982017-08-08T23:59:00.000+10:002017-08-08T23:59:24.304+10:00Doctors and Psychiatrists and Psychologists and ...<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">... Specialists and Therapists and a case manager or 2, a Rehabilitation Provider, and a Lawyer, and who knows who else I have forgotten/am not yet sure about, who I can add to the list of people I have had appointments/met/etc with lately ... or might be seeing soon ... </span></div>
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In the last 12 months I think I have seem more medical professionals than the whole rest of my life ... maybe not quite, but it sure feels like it ... I seem to have been plunged into a whole new world, that I knew next to nothing about ... </div>
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So why am I Drowning in Doctors/etc? ... Long story ... which involves falling apart, and then being Diagnosed with a Disability I Didn't know I had (and have had all my life) and a mental health Disorder that I don't quite know how long I have had, or how long it will last ... </div>
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(If you want to know more, you can Delve into some of my last few blog posts - most of them explain a bit more about all that :)</div>
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I guess the positive side of being Diagnosed as Autistic/Aspie, and also Diagnosed with "Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety", is that I can have a lot of fun trying to Describe myself :)</div>
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... which is a pleasant change from my school/teenage years when other people had fun Describing me ... and most of the Descriptions/names were rather Derogatory (Dumb, Dopey, Disturbing, Disgusting, ... and that is only one letter of the alphabet! ... Doing D words because that is the letter we are up to with <a href="http://abcwednesday.com/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> :)<br />
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[Later edit: Well, we were when I started Doing this post ... being busy, then Blogger not playing nice, has meant I seem to have missed the Deadline ... but now that I have Done this post I am going to "Deliver" it to my blog anyway ...]<br />
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At school, I also got called retard, and a few other things that meant much the same thing...</div>
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Mind you ... I Did Do a few crazy things to earn some of the names I was called ... like eating raw sausages in front of everyone else (as in a whole school of about 800 students!) who were waiting for the end of year BBQ to be cooked, always picking up creepy crawlies, and taking home the lens out of the eye of the mouse I Dissected in Science class ... not to mention turning up to school every day for who knows how many weeks in grade 6, wearing a pair of antennae I had made out of wire ... and also still wearing them to quite a few other places for quite some time after that ... because my hero was not someone most people liked, like Roy Rodgers or Batman or Barbie or Superman - it was Uncle Martin from the TV series My Favourite Martian ... because he was an alien having to cope with being stranded on the wrong planet, and I could identify with that feeling :)<br />
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So ... How should I Describe myself? </div>
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Dunno ...</div>
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Maybe "Delightfully Different"? </div>
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Will that Do?</div>
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(I think I WAS going to use that for the title of this post, but I changed my mind :)</div>
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Better than "Disturbingly Different" which, I think, is probably how the other kids at school saw me :)</div>
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... and how *some* people still see me now.</div>
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Damn ... I seem to have written yet another post that is probably not very interesting ... So ... Here is ... NOT a photo of a nearby Dam, where I often walk my Dog ... and a photo of my Delightful Dog - his name is Diesel ... he even has a Twitter account - @DieselDoggle :)</div>
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The 2 Differnt things I spent an hour trying to Do, to add those photos - Didn't work ... So I had a look what was already on my iPad and found a Different photo of Diesel, from almost a year ago, sleeping on my Deck :)<br />
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Shhh ... Don't Disturb the sleeping Doggy's Delightful Dreams :)</div>
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I gave up on trying to add the other photos that I was going to put in here - because I got sick of arguing with Blogger trying to put them in there from Google photos ... Neither the Android app or the iPad app do all the things I need to actually write a blog post and include a hyperlink and add a photo, and the editor on the website doesn't work properly on my iPad ... in Safari or Chrome ... and I just spent over half an hour adding a photo and editing this, hit the post button and the stupid effing blogger app crashed, signed me out, and lost all the changes - ahrgh! - might be time to move my blog elsewhere? I guess I could copy all my posts over to a Wordpress blog I have, but don't use, and then keep on posting to Wordpress? Pity, because I used to like blogger, when it worked for me ... and moving a blog is a pain ... but posting to blogger has now become more of a pain than moving my blog is likely to be ... </div>
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... I will try and post about something a bit more Exciting for the letter E ... hopefully in a couple Days time - a bit Earlier than I am Doing this D post :) ... I actually Do have something in mind already ... something to Do with a quilt Exhibition I Entered some quilts in ... something I never Expected, and am not only surprised and Excited about, but also Extremely happy :)</div>
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Actually I found out about the thing I am happy about while I was up on Mt Stromlo taking photos in the freezing cold wind and rain, wh<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">ich is probably part of the reason I then ended up taking selfies while Doing a happy Dance in the Destroyed Dome of a telescope ... I was going to say it was Disused - but it Definitely isn't - it seems to be the Done thing to use it to take portraits, wedding photos, photos of motorcycles, and even to have concerts in ... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">I also took a Different photo (Didn't use it here because the movement made it a bit Distorted) where I set the self timer and twirled around until it took the photo ... and ended up feeling rather Dizzy! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">(Erk - a slightly Disturbing feeling - lol)</span></div>
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There are also some other things I thought about putting in here, but I Didn't ... I Decided that maybe I shouldn't say them yet ... partly the "if you Don't have anything nice to say, Don't say anything" thing :)</div>
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Also - partly because they are a bit Depressing ... or just Don't really fit ... or require me to Delve in to a lot more Details than I want to go into right now ... and I want to Do a Decent job of explaining a couple of other things, in their own posts, maybe :)</div>
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... somehow I Definitely Don't think I can/should really go into too much Detail quite yet, about the Disillusionment of being in the situation I am still in at the moment with work, where all the "red tape" etc. means that things are still happening at the speed of Dark ... let's just say that I am not the only person who is Disturbed and Disgusted at the Dreadful way some things have been/not been Done ... </div>
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... One thing I Do want to eventually write something (more) about is my newly Discovered Disability, and the "Delights" of being *almost* normal ...</div>
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<br /></div>aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-17007499242817877112017-08-01T01:55:00.000+10:002017-08-01T02:30:41.852+10:00Catching up, and Coming to terms with things ...Catching up with all the stuff I have been trying to get done? - probably never going to happen ... but hopefully I will get myself sort of a bit more organised ...<br>
Catching up on blogging ... also, something I will probably never keep up with ... <br>
But Catching up on sharing what is going on with me/in my head/etc - is something I Can try and do for you now ... all one or 2 of you who actually read my blog posts :)<br>
This is also my Contribution for <a href="http://abcwednesday.com/">http://abcwednesday.com/</a> ... which is up to letter C (I have missed a few - oops - another thing I Can't Catch up on if I miss it - and a Couple hours later and I would have missed being able to add my link for the letter C too - I really should be Doing a D post now [er - actually, I SHOULD be sleeping - oops :] ... might Do something (Different?) for D in a Couple of Days ... If I don't get too Distracted - lol)<br>
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So where have I been?! - I kind of got busy going to Adelaide for a couple of weeks (and Catching up with some family members I had not seen for many years ... In some cases not since I was a teenager! Also revisited places I used to go as a Child) Then I came back, and Continued my "graduated return to work" (am back to my normal hours now) and kept busy keeping busy ... Geocaching, quilting, etc etc etc ... and reading library books, blogs, etc about Autism and Aspergers - lol<br>
I still don't have a clue where I will eventually end up working ... am currently still in limbo ... being used as an extra body (doing "alternate duties") at the same place I have been for about 15 years ... it has been decided, by "the powers that be" I should not go back to what I was doing ... so they have to find somewhere else for me ... but things are taking time to happen ... all the red tape, etc ... things like this seem to move at the speed of dark - lol<br>
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But ... I have been doing a lot of thinking, and Coming to terms with things ...<br>
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Who would have thought that, at my age (54) I would be having to come to terms with the fact that I actually have a disability ... but the good news with this is - it is not something I have just acquired - it is, mostly (aside from the whole stress disorder thing that is multiplying some of the effects of it at the moment), one which I have had for all of my life ...<br>
Weird eh?<br>
Am I Crazy? ... no ...<br>
Confused? ... don't know about you, but me - yes ... lol<br>
<br>
Just part of the weirdness that Comes from <a href="http://aykayem.blogspot.com.au/2017/02/falling-apart.html" target="_blank">falling apart</a> and then in with all that mess, discovering that part of the reason my whole world Came Crumbling down was that I had been trying to Cope with it all minus one bit of Crucial information ... that I am actually Autistic!<br>
... that diagnosis did not Come as a Complete surprise - I had my suspicions that I may have Aspergers, but had then dismissed them - as I was too social, too vocal, too normal ... or so I thought ... what was so Confusing was the stereotypes that one tends to hear/read about, and the fact that I did not have a Clue just how much it actually Could affect me ... things I never realised/thought of ... like this stuff:
<a href="https://musingsofanaspie.com/executive-function-series/">https://musingsofanaspie.com/executive-function-series/</a> and <a href="https://musingsofanaspie.com/2013/08/02/procrastination-or-executive-function-fail/">https://musingsofanaspie.com/2013/08/02/procrastination-or-executive-function-fail/</a><br>
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Of Course it also didn't help that a psychologist I saw for Counselling when my ex walked out (in 2013) also told me I was normal - just "a rare personality type" ... when I asked if I might have Aspergers he laughed and said "no, you don't have that - you make good eye Contact and Can Carry on a Conversation with me" ... argh ... and unfortunately an all to Common thing to happen [here is a link to a recent article about why: <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-women-who-dont-know-theyre-autistic-80991">https://theconversation.com/the-women-who-dont-know-theyre-autistic-80991</a> ]<br>
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Ok ... I typed some of this stuff several days ago, ready to finish typing and post it later ... and I had this bit in there:
[copy in some of what I wrote about coming to terms with stuff, here and there in notes]<br>
... I have been typing up these blog post ideas in the notes app on my iPad, and I have also been typing up a kind of "dear diary" type thing every day or 5, with what has been happening, and any thoughts and feelings I can think of/remember ... I have found it quite useful - typing things helps me sort them out better in my thoughts ... a bit like talking about them does ... sometimes I work out what I think/feel about things when I notice myself telling someone! or when it kind of ends up being written here in my notes ... or kind of appearing in the middle of a blog post I am writing - lol
<br>(And some of what ends up in my blog posts starts as things I was writing in my notes :)<br>
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Now ... I wonder when I wrote whatever it was I wanted to add in here?<br>
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*goes and looks*<br>
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I think I was thinking about this:<br>
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"It has been an interesting journey/adjustment I have to make ... from always being such a fiercely independent person, to now having to come to terms with just how much help I actually seem to need at the moment ...<br>
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... and maybe that is (at least partly) why I have been getting myself into so many [emotional] knots about my work situation/Comcare/etc stuff ...?<br>
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Oddly enough - I am now looking forward to possibly seeing an OT, and maybe yet another shrink ... and who knows who else ... and seeing a psychologist again (I already knew I definitely need to do at least that, but now realising I probably do need the all the other stuff as well) ... was always looking fwd to getting some kind of help with skills Assesment/finding out what job I would be best suited to, but now also really interested to find out more about me ... all the things I might have going on/working differently that I have always just thought was normal ... like what problems/differences, if any, do I have with things like proprioception, motor skills, coordination, sensory stuff, etc ... [not to mention all the things that contributed to the problems I was having at work - communication, executive function, social problems, anxiety, who knows what else ... ]<br>
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Just ... still feel a bit weird about it all ... probably because I don't actually know how I feel? lol"<br>
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And this:<br>
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"It is an odd place to be in ... Knowing that I am highly intelligent and in so many ways so capable ... but yet I am also ... to be quite honest - mentally disabled ...
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[the stress disorder alone would qualify me for that label]
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Yet somehow ... as confronting and undesirable that label would have sounded to me in the past ... for some reason, maybe because it now has a logical reason/understanding attached, I now seem to be ok with accepting it?!
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The odd situation I have read about on blogs/in books - of being so disabled in some ways, yet in others" [most things :] ... not ...<br>
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Not sure if I wrote this anywhere in my notes, but definitely something I have been thinking lately:
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I am ... Almost normal ... I could probably use that as a title for my blog, or a book ... almost ... but not quite ... I look normal, and often act normal - I even thought I was normal (just not very good at it) for most of my life, and can mostly BE normal ... except those few times ... where I am not ... lol
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Oh ... I just found what I already wrote ... I was the beginning of an idea for a blog post for the letter A ... that I never got Around to doing - lol
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I think I said it better the first time:
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"Almost normal ... <br>
One of the problems with being an Aspie, or having any variety of high functioning Autism, or ADHD/ADD, etc. and probably with a lot of other hidden disabilities too ... is that most of the time one can Appear, Act, and to all intents and purposes - BE, quite normal ... except for those times when one isn't! - when things don't work/one encounters a problem ... and then it comes as a surprise to people, and/or one is expected not to have a problem because "you usually don't have problems" or "everyone else can do that" or "but you are not disabled?" ... when in reality ... I am ... <br>
Some of the time it is quite obvious, but other times not even noticeable - in fact I didn't even know myself, until I was 54!"
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Although maybe I should not use "almost"? ... it may imply that I am something less ... when in some ways I am MORE than normal ... as someone else (I think it was Temple Grandin) says: "different, not less" ...
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So - maybe I should describe myself as "Delightfully Different"? lol
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Or ... I Could just Continue to Call myself "Crazy" ? :)
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(Or does that one also have the wrong Connotations? ... when people Call me Crazy I have always Considered it a Compliment - lol
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I think this is where I Could also include a quote from the lyrics of a Leonard Cohen song ... Currently my favourite song - (Anthem)
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"There is a Crack, a Crack in everything - it's how the light gets in"
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I have a "Crack" ... and I want to light up the world!
<div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-MQw4GlliEg4/WX9bLqJ_RwI/AAAAAAAAOhs/2ccZvgTvN4YYhhf8GUWhoYmWEAmVG430gCHMYCw/s640/blogger-image-1432863152.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-MQw4GlliEg4/WX9bLqJ_RwI/AAAAAAAAOhs/2ccZvgTvN4YYhhf8GUWhoYmWEAmVG430gCHMYCw/s640/blogger-image-1432863152.jpg"></a></div><br></div>aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-88395612840491846922017-05-24T23:26:00.000+10:002017-05-24T23:26:34.800+10:00Turning point?Have I reached a Turning point?<br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">maybe? ... I hope so ...</span></div>
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A few months ago I just felt confused, and Terrible, and have since spent some Time Trying to sort out my messy mind ... Over The last week or 2 a few people I know have commented that I seem better, more settled, even different ... and yes - I feel a bit less frightened and stressed, and a couple of Things that a month or 3 ago would have sent me into yet another Tailspin of obsession and anxiety are actually not worrying me Too much ...</div>
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Although I am slightly worried that this is just an up before the next down ... a lot of my recovery (from the stress disorder) has, so far, been Two steps forward, one step back ... but ... maybe Things are going ok - There is progress, and even if There is a setback, I have survived so far - I am Tough (resilient? stubborn? "D: all of the above"? :) ... so if I fall down, I will just do as I have always done - pick myself up and Try again :)</div>
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My parents are down here visiting me (arrived Sunday) and Tonight (Saturday night actually - I wrote this post in the wee small hours of Sunday :) I was Talking to Mum, and she said I seemed different ... different than I had been for many years (maybe even forever) ... and yes ... I guess I do feel a bit different ... I Think ... lol</div>
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Possibly I have been way more stressed, for way longer than I ever realised? ... and I know that, despite knowing there are some things I am quite good at, I have had quite low self esteem for as long as I can remember ... but Mum said now I seem more confident ... </div>
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... hmm ... maybe I am?</div>
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Maybe now that I know myself a bit better, and know why I have had Trouble with the Things that have been problems for me - I now don't feel so bad about myself, and can be proud of who I am, and how well I have done while spending my life feeling like I have been fighting an invisible enemy ... (who is now my friend :)</div>
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Maybe my diagnosis (and learning more about what it means for me) has given me the serenity I needed to accept the things I can't change, and to change the things I can?</div>
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Where once stood a confused and frightened nobody, now stands a proud Aspie :)</div>
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... Andrea the Aspie:</div>
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awkward but amazing,</div>
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weird and wonderful,</div>
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peculiar ... and proud!</div>
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Terrible at some things, yet Talented at others ...</div>
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... Time to be True to myself :)</div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">... Typical - couldn't Think what to write for my <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/">ABC Wednesday</a> letter T post - and Then one just kind of wrote itself in my head while I was having my shower - lol</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">(However Trying To Take a nice selfie To go in here was another matter - I ended up resorting To "here is one I prepared earlier" (Two photos, Taken with self Timer Thingy, on Top of a hill a few days ago:)</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And ... because I can - another photo I just Took:</span></div>
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Some sewing ... On left: something I started Today, on right: what I should be working on :)</div>
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-43813676317556278952017-05-18T12:56:00.000+10:002017-05-18T12:56:35.691+10:00So much... <div dir="ltr">
So much I could Say, about So many things?<br />
<br />
So many ideas for what to post about, for <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/2017/05/20-s-signal.html" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday letter S</a> ... mostly (but, Sorry, not all) quite Short, So I might Say Several of them :)<br />
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So many things I need/want to do - like catching up with some Geocache logging from when I was in NZ last year, putting all my holiday photos onto the computer/hard drives and Sorting them out, and finishing unpacking and Setting up my Sewing room/etc - (Seeing it is now about 18 months Since I moved in to my own house!) ... and for most of all the time I have had off work - I think I was way too Stressed to be able to actually do that Sort of Stuff ... Sigh<br />
<br />
So much fun?<br />
Yes, I many not have got a lot of my "to do" list done while I was off on Sick leave, but I did Still manage to have some fun - it is probably what kept me at least Sort of Sane ... being able to go and do Some fun Stuff, and having a wonderful Dog to do come home to (or do Some of it with :), quite possibly Stopped me from doing Something Silly when my whole world Seemed like it was falling apart and I didn't know why - I was able to take my mind off things and "recharge my batteries" a bit ... So I ended up doing all Sorts of Silly Stuff like Splashing about on lakes in my kayak, bushwalking, Sewing quilts, and Geocaching :)<br />
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... So ... this might be a good Spot to Stop and add a few photos ... of Some Stuff I have done recently, and Some Stuff I have found interesting and taken photos of while doing Stuff :)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-32CWDN1nSjk/WRxJ-8CIHSI/AAAAAAAAJfU/drpbuTwnKZ4E1UZbioy-LLJxu2DKemlUwCHM/s320/DSC_3190.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Silly Selfie :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-4pORDaEgOns/WRxKAVVY6vI/AAAAAAAAJfY/t0lZtFtPj104gvvEjrjVMAMK8yaC6qRhQCHM/s1600/Screenshot_2017-05-12-22-27-09.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-4pORDaEgOns/WRxKAVVY6vI/AAAAAAAAJfY/t0lZtFtPj104gvvEjrjVMAMK8yaC6qRhQCHM/s640/Screenshot_2017-05-12-22-27-09.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some Silhouetted (or however one Spells that word :) trees that I took a Screen Shot of to use for a design excercise at an art quilt meeting.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-VMqtEEaVtyk/WRxKBnkvQbI/AAAAAAAAJfc/fFyqKC5u2M8AjBJV4_x7hv0HT9q_02OnACHM/s640/DSC_3233.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Strange tree.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-034TKhmcjpg/WRxKCsaxnHI/AAAAAAAAJfg/uCZUEAkuEtUBk6naSdoDC5cRpDPQslTkgCHM/s640/DSC_3245.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Strange person in tree :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-DHWSzmxmQnU/WRxKDO12YYI/AAAAAAAAJfk/fBNBps-NaE46mB9q_6_1eox7Cs3YdVLUwCHM/s640/DSC_3248.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Spikey tower</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-wysduBXMcZo/WRxKEI9t-_I/AAAAAAAAJfo/U5IdH7QpiTYcLTUYvnteFBUVL4EAA3J5QCHM/s640/_20170514_024950.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some books I borrowed from the library<br />(a bit of light reading?! :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-bc6hsGLv81M/WRxKFGVp2cI/AAAAAAAAJfs/bvJ0IOAa5LUdm39jskriah9602z4ZufDgCHM/s640/DSC_3250.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Silvery raindrops, twinkling on my tree</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-bc6hsGLv81M/WRxKFGVp2cI/AAAAAAAAJfs/bvJ0IOAa5LUdm39jskriah9602z4ZufDgCHM/s1600/DSC_3250.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img a="" border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-5F1KptDCXhw/WRxWbP_ESJI/AAAAAAAAJg8/MDFHK7Qrd5sruR44ebZjvxLkk5Mse4ToACHM/s640/DSC_3260.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sunset, Somewhere I went walking to Search for (and found :) a Geocache. </td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-5F1KptDCXhw/WRxWbP_ESJI/AAAAAAAAJg8/MDFHK7Qrd5sruR44ebZjvxLkk5Mse4ToACHM/s1600/DSC_3260.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-7nD54dE6jkU/WRxKHNC5bnI/AAAAAAAAJf0/yDlJ4ARMfXcSBsHGrvQXDC5a-p8WMnD0ACHM/s640/DSC_3287.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Strange artistic fence post...</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-7nD54dE6jkU/WRxKHNC5bnI/AAAAAAAAJf0/yDlJ4ARMfXcSBsHGrvQXDC5a-p8WMnD0ACHM/s1600/DSC_3287.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-TD6Y8lCPSxw/WRxKH0AaEvI/AAAAAAAAJf4/JgrGZTUR_MUOCTrx9tOI0k2xeNPItVsbwCHM/s640/DSC_3291.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Somewhere down there is a river (where I found the Geocache :)</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-TD6Y8lCPSxw/WRxKH0AaEvI/AAAAAAAAJf4/JgrGZTUR_MUOCTrx9tOI0k2xeNPItVsbwCHM/s1600/DSC_3291.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-dIFzKLNcjCs/WRxKIiMnj4I/AAAAAAAAJf8/MmilDKzh3aMlVt75S-VzDT-cNEUFftgeACHM/s640/DSC_3304.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some Scribbles on the whiteboard at Canberra Quilters room - we were drawing quilt designs<br />(mine is the Spikey thing on the left :)</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-dIFzKLNcjCs/WRxKIiMnj4I/AAAAAAAAJf8/MmilDKzh3aMlVt75S-VzDT-cNEUFftgeACHM/s1600/DSC_3304.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ZXtzr5rCzvE/WRxKJTkTYGI/AAAAAAAAJgA/HLH-ihrdI_gBXXlirqsTRjBvTpQLmo8aQCHM/s640/DSC_3305.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sleeping dog<br />(so I let him lie :)</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ZXtzr5rCzvE/WRxKJTkTYGI/AAAAAAAAJgA/HLH-ihrdI_gBXXlirqsTRjBvTpQLmo8aQCHM/s1600/DSC_3305.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-W3uzqnEUCvY/WRxKLcgK95I/AAAAAAAAJgE/BR9PH9le3To0om5E_5YZF_6HjQbfW_etACHM/s640/DSC_3310.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some trees in a courtyard at work (I am Sitting under a Similar one out by the gate at the moment ... using my laptop on their wifi to add the captions to these photos and post this mess ... and it is raining leaves - they keep landing on my laptop! :)</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-W3uzqnEUCvY/WRxKLcgK95I/AAAAAAAAJgE/BR9PH9le3To0om5E_5YZF_6HjQbfW_etACHM/s1600/DSC_3310.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-goVT2xETNmY/WRxKMl2JciI/AAAAAAAAJgI/RuSS2cAwZoU-EezeybdVPHcdPYfOJKHQQCHM/s640/DSC_3325.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Somewhere else I went Geocaching :)</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-goVT2xETNmY/WRxKMl2JciI/AAAAAAAAJgI/RuSS2cAwZoU-EezeybdVPHcdPYfOJKHQQCHM/s1600/DSC_3325.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-5Mb0itNkRYE/WRxKObFmf2I/AAAAAAAAJgM/SQOJX_7XDCg1vjl5PGAMzdMDfsJl2zjawCHM/s640/GEAK_20170516_161051.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">S--t!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-SHUIjl3zwIo/WRxKO49pvRI/AAAAAAAAJgQ/aI7rnY_pMz8ET8ynsR8dlt6DSBPIU_2ZACHM/s640/DSC_3349.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Smoke (from a controlled burn)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-tmNCNJNsCZg/WRxKPrf7GYI/AAAAAAAAJgU/hBg20dF3o8Y7wxfEH-dsw1zDUZGzOME9ACHM/s640/DSC_3350.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sky</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-tmNCNJNsCZg/WRxKPrf7GYI/AAAAAAAAJgU/hBg20dF3o8Y7wxfEH-dsw1zDUZGzOME9ACHM/s1600/DSC_3350.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-UVohfT29Ys0/WRxKQaBMYhI/AAAAAAAAJgY/ETU1Lavkxagdf-6dfy2ZkOq6mqO4Dii-QCHM/s640/DSC_3362.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Smoke - same lot as other photo but a bit later<br /> ... looks like someone tried to nuke Parliament House and missed :)</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-UVohfT29Ys0/WRxKQaBMYhI/AAAAAAAAJgY/ETU1Lavkxagdf-6dfy2ZkOq6mqO4Dii-QCHM/s1600/DSC_3362.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-NmnwfyRTMoY/WRxKRSQm5BI/AAAAAAAAJgc/A4LC3bqK3pEP8hadgWH8ttzedgAxkYkjgCHM/s640/DSC_3364.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Diesel dog, Shredding the rubbish while I was Sweeping the other half of the floor ...</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-NmnwfyRTMoY/WRxKRSQm5BI/AAAAAAAAJgc/A4LC3bqK3pEP8hadgWH8ttzedgAxkYkjgCHM/s1600/DSC_3364.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-OC890TRMguE/WRxKSHMM-lI/AAAAAAAAJgg/msk1VJbdTLUfxaTYvDG_RivOB2aFv713ACHM/s640/DSC_3371.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Strange Sky</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-OC890TRMguE/WRxKSHMM-lI/AAAAAAAAJgg/msk1VJbdTLUfxaTYvDG_RivOB2aFv713ACHM/s1600/DSC_3371.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-BGGgxTmuogA/WRxKS4Ou4SI/AAAAAAAAJgk/NdotiZ-iPWc6vXvB_hxp9L6o2mLwen1AQCHM/s640/DSC_3377.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Same Strange Sky, Slightly different angle.</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-BGGgxTmuogA/WRxKS4Ou4SI/AAAAAAAAJgk/NdotiZ-iPWc6vXvB_hxp9L6o2mLwen1AQCHM/s1600/DSC_3377.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-p7CW4HEIkiE/WRxKTuVCMWI/AAAAAAAAJgo/CumI6c5PLZo6in3pqZUYGXb3XRAD9BaPQCHM/s640/DSC_3385.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">more Sky</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-p7CW4HEIkiE/WRxKTuVCMWI/AAAAAAAAJgo/CumI6c5PLZo6in3pqZUYGXb3XRAD9BaPQCHM/s1600/DSC_3385.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-EG2-Ix4xXQk/WRxKUUxSbSI/AAAAAAAAJgs/cCSOHu5VMbAn9gJz09RHUVfRpRdP3j1xgCHM/s640/DSC_3390.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Still more Sky ...</td></tr>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-EG2-Ix4xXQk/WRxKUUxSbSI/AAAAAAAAJgs/cCSOHu5VMbAn9gJz09RHUVfRpRdP3j1xgCHM/s1600/DSC_3390.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
... and the best part, as far as Stress relief goes, about Geocaching (and most of the other stuff too) was not just finding Geocaches, it was all the wandering around in the bush, Seeing interesting things, taking photos (including Several Silly Selfies :) and generally Slowing down my busy mind so it could be Slightly more Still ...<br />
<br />
So much Stuff ...<br />
Yes, I collect ... Stuff ... when I was little, very little even, I used to drive my parents nuts - filling my pocket up with rocks and gum nuts and bits of string and wire, and whatever else I had found and decided I wanted to keep ... I still pick up interesting rocks and things ... and my pockets are never big enough for all the Shells I pick up when I go to the beach ...<br />
Over the years I have also collected a huge Sewing/textile art Stash ... Sewing, and other crafty stuff is a "Special interest" I have had, and will probably continue to have, for many years (and yes, there are others - an Aspie can have more than one :)<br />
<br />
"Stuff" was also a part of the problems I ended up having at work ... Science equipment and Store rooms full of equipment and supplies and other junk to keep tidy and organised ... when organising is not exactly my strong point ... not when it also involves organising it in a way that also Satisfies Several other people who use it, and having to do all the other things my job entailed, all at the Same time. It was nice to be able to play with all Sorts of fun Science Stuff, and I kind of miss that ... but I just wasn't So good at Sorting out all the ... Stuff ...<br />
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Science is fun ... did I mention having more than one Special interest? - lol - Science is another one ... that and Space, and Science fiction - when I was a teenager I used to read about 4 books a week ... at least 3 were Sci Fi novels ... and the 4th one usually was too ... I think I read every Sci Fi book the public library had :)<br />
... I guess, even though I am not sure the word was even invented yet - I was a nerd?!<br />
One odd thing though ... Space invaders was a thing when I was in my late teens ... but I never actually played it! ... Something about not wanting to Spend 20c to sit/stand and push a button in a vain attempt to "kill" Some pretend Space Ships ...? That, and I didn't like doing things unless I knew I could actually do them (which is why I quite happily did stuff like climbing up trees, but only if I knew I could safely get down again :) ... and, with space invaders (or any of those kind of games/etc) - me actually pressing the buttons at the right time so my "missiles" would actually hit their target, with me being as uncoordinated as I was - I just knew that was not going to happen - lol<br />
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So Social ...<br />
Yes - I actually like meeting people/doing stuff with people and Socialising (although I think quite a few of those I have Socialised with would probably preferred I didn't - as I have been described as things like having been "vaccinated with a gramophone needle" ... and "weird" and "(annoying" ... and probably worse...) , the whole Seeking Social Stuff thing is Something which Sort of confuses me - and it was one of the reasons that even though I had, Several years ago, Suspected I possibly had Aspergers, I really didn't think I quite fit all the criteria ... besides - how could an Aspie be Such a Showoff/Seeker of attention as I can be?! But yes - it Seems that is quite possible ... there is Such a thing as an Aspie Extrovert - lol<br />
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Settled?<br />
Or at least Slightly more So? ... I have had a few people mention to me, in the last Several days, that I Seem to be more Settled than I was last time they saw me/a few weeks ago ... Somehow I think they might be right ... could be a Sign that I am finally Sorting my messy mind out Slightly ... although - Same as my Sewing/etc stuff - I am not sure it will actually ever be nice and neat and tidy - lol<br />
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... I wrote that last bit just now, but a week or 2 ago I wrote this:<br />
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Small Steps?<br />
Maybe getting Somewhere ... but Still a long way to go ...<br />
... Stress is a weird thing.<br />
none of this has been Smooth Sailing ... but maybe the storm is passing now?<br />
things are Slightly calmer ... Sometimes ...<br />
... and it will take Some time to Settle down/recover/return to Some Semblance of a "normal" Settled life ...<br />
... probably once I have finished doing the whole graduated return to work thing, and the whole "apply for a transfer" thing can happen, and I get a new position Somewhere ... or not ... and hopefully end up in a Job more Suited to me ... but who knows what, or when that will be ... Sometime ... I will do/be ... Something ... I guess ...<br />
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... Seems it is time to Start the rest of my life?<br />
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... Maybe even time to reach for the Stars?<br />
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:)<br />
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... but right now? - off to find my daily Geocache ... think I am up to about day 400 in a row now (if day 400 is not today it is/was Sometime this week ... I was going to go for a month or so, then decided "until I go to NZ" but I kept going there and decided to do a whole year ... but then I kind of didn't know how to Stop :)</div>
aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-73604632350957322162017-05-15T17:07:00.000+10:002017-05-15T17:07:00.110+10:00Recovering? ... slowly ...... and Re writing what I Remember of what I was going to write for <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> letter Q post as my <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/2017/05/r-is-for-reflection.html" target="_blank">letter R</a> post ... after Blogger was Really annoying and lost what I had spent ages typing ...<br />
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There is Rather a lot of odd mental health stuff in the first part of this post - so if you Really would Rather not Read that bit - feel free to scroll down a bit ... the fun stuff starts just before the photos :)</div>
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Re the title ... Yes, I am still Recovering from all the mess in my mind ... "Adjustment disorder with anxiety" is what the medical certificate says ... "Work Stress", or something like that, is what I have been calling it when I tell most people about it ... the Really strange situation I have found myself in ... which I have been blogging about Recently ... which Resulted in the Revelation that I have Aspergers.</div>
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The whole thing has been Rather confusing, yet interesting, all at the same time ... and Results in so Rather odd and surprising Realisations of things I didn't know about myself/why I am Reacting to things the way I am ... which can make things get Rather ... er ... interesting ... lol</div>
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So what has this got to do with a Quite interesting day I had Recently? ... well ... Really glad you asked - lol</div>
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(although if you Really don't want to Read all about my mental health/etc - feel free to scroll past that and Read about my Relaxing afternoon and a Rather fun evening :)</div>
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The day started with a visit to my GP, with my case manager (for work) ... to do a Review of my graduated Return to work (which I started a couple of weeks ago) ... </div>
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He asked how I felt and I told him ... the actual work seems to be the only thing I felt was going ok (and even that - I am not 100% sure about!) ... with everything else I had been feeling like I was getting nowhere and still feeling just as stressed, and overwhelmed ... and strange and confused and lost and worried ... and depressed? (Can't really tell what I feel ... just like ... something ... everything? ... is not right ...?)</div>
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We had a good talk, and he reassured me that I was allowed to feel like that, but I should try and just worry about now now, and later ... later ... easier said than done - lol - but he told me to keep doing what I am - going to quilting group, and Geocaching/etc to unwind/take my mind of things, etc ... and when I told him that when I got upset/stressed at Uni I would listen to Pink Floyd with the volume up really loud he even suggested I do that when I get home and have things I need/want to get done (tried that on Saturday night - it did make doing a sink full of dishes much more enjoyable :)</div>
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We also all had a bit of a laugh when I mentioned that maybe I was now having trouble adjusting to having adjustment disorder ;)</div>
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I felt a bit better after that ... </div>
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... then after talking for a bit (about workers compensation forms) with the case manager it was time to dash off to see my Psychologist ... who I had been feeling like I was having trouble communicating/connecting with (part of why I felt I was not actually getting anywhere with all this stuff) ... a text message I sent (to a close friend) kind of explains what happened there - I copied the relevant bit:</div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br />...I am doing ok... or at least ok for an Aspie with a stress disorder... lol... still discovering things about myself/what is going on with me that kind of make me wonder if I should tell myself I am an idiot and do that *head desk* thing - lol ... The most recent one being on Friday, when I saw the psychologist and realised I somehow had 2 different copies of the stuff I was going to ask him about and neither of those contained the thing I remembered i wanted to ask, and I kind of got all confused and befuddled, and then we talked for a bit and it finally dawned on him (and therefore also me) that the times when I kind of feel like I have been tying myself up in knots about things and/or feeling confused and overwhelmed and unsettled... is actually the Aspie/me version of anxiety!... and I was totally unaware that was what it is/what anxiety feels like (because - Aspergers... means I have trouble actually figuring out my own emotions... and if it wasn't so darn inconvenient it would be funny :)<br />... but now that, at last, my psychologist finally seems to "get me" and now I understand a little bit more about my crazy mixed up emotions and stuff, I actually feel a bit better than I was feeling for the last week or 3 :)<br />...so now I am wondering what weird thing I am going to get tripped up by next - lol</span></div>
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Really?! <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">... it didn't occur to me that what I felt like might actually be anxiety?! ... when that is part of the name/label the doctor has given my stress disorder? Ahrgh - lol - yes, it all sounds a bit Ridiculous now ... but I guess that is mostly because my mind is so darn messy at the moment ... </span></div>
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(and that whole bit where I kind of got flustered and sort of froze ... think I have felt that before ... and the more I think about stuff like that - the more questions I have ... sigh)</div>
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Anyway ... that was not my whole Friday - that was just the morning!</div>
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After I had seen the Psychologist, I just had time to head in to town for a lunch time talk all about Renewable hydrogen ... Not sure how much of it I Really listened to though - I was a bit distracted by stuff going around in my head - lol</div>
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But I did enjoy the egg sandwiches and the glass or wine! (wasn't expecting that, but who am I to say no? :)</div>
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Then I sat in my car for a few minutes to have a look what Geocache to find for my daily find (nearly 400 days in row now :) and noticed a nearby puzzle one that I figured I could solve - so I decided to do that ... a few minutes of fiddling (which involved saving a photo to my phone and then finding and downloading a phone app to view the exif information on it) and then all I needed to do was go for a walk part way up a nearby hill and find the cache ... it was in a tree ... and there was quite a lot of room in the tree ... so - yes - I just had to sit in the tree and take a selfie :)<br />
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as usual, I took a pile of photos ... even got one of that Nexus thing from Star Trek - lol<br />
(and no - I didn't try to jump up and leap into it - why would I want to go there? - I think my real life is fine for now :)<br />
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... but - because it was so nice up there - I did sit on a nice soft bit of ground and do a 10 minute mindfulness meditation session with an app on my phone (something my psychologist suggested I try out - 10 free dailysessions, with an app called Headspace)<br />
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After taking a few too many odd photos (I will spare you all the silly selfies :) I then noticed it was time to dash down the hill and head off to the art exhibition opening I had been planning to attend ... </div>
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The Art exhibition was quite enjoyable - I had fun wandering around the gallery looking at art, while nibbling on nuts, fruit, cheese, crackers, etc. and drinking a glass of wine - lol</div>
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Then, as I had planned earlier, I walked over to the nearb yshopping mall to buy a new electric jug/kettle (my old one had died a day or 2 earlier) ... I also ended up with an armload of T shirts ($3 each, and I needed a couple more nice new ones for next Summer anyway) and a kitchen gadget ... and, despite having an armload of shopping to carry, I decided to head back via the car park where some sneaky sod had recently hidden a Geocache, to have a quick look and see if I could be sneaky enough to find it :)</div>
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... a bit of a look up the top, nothing found ... headed down the nearest stairs, which went right to the bottom - nobody around so I had a good look there, bent down and had one last look around the bottom of the stairs before heading up to try the next level, and stood up to find myself face to face with someone who I had not even heard coming down the stairs ... Oops? ... was just wondering what he must be thinking when he asked if I was looking for it too - yes - another Geocacher :)</div>
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Turns out he was there looking, and had been a few times, and had determined that it may be up in a place where only a ladder and/or a monkey could reach ... so he was waiting for someone else to arrive with a ladder ... so I waited with him ... and the somebody (2 more Geocachers) arrived, and ... all ideas of being stealthy out the window - we carried the ladder over to the spot, and I climbed up and sure enough - there it was :)</div>
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So .. 4 Geocachers with a ladder - what else would we do but decide to go find another cache that required the use of a ladder - a cache up a tree ... I had actually found that one already (without a ladder too :) , but happily went along in case they needed my climbing skills ... it was an easy climb so one of the others decided he would do the climbing ... but they were happy to take me up on my offer to climb up and fetch 2 much harder tree climbing caches nearby, which I had also found previously ... but I enjoy climbing trees - and they enjoyed watching me - lol </div>
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Then we all decided to head in to town and find another tree cache - this time one I had not found before (but had stood underneath and looked up at, and decided I was not feeling quite up to it at the time, and would come back with my nice long folding ladder and get it the easy way :)</div>
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On the way we went past yet another tree cache - a very easy climb, and one I had hidden - lol - No ladder required, but we went because 2 of the group figured the 4th person would enjoy it ... he did ... and it was quite weird standing there watching someone else find my Geocache :)</div>
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We then headed over to the one none of us had found ... and, even though the ladder we had with is was way too short to do what I had been planning, I decided I was game to give it a go this time, seeing I had someone with me for safety (oh - ok - I admit it - seeing I had someone watching me, to show off to :))</div>
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So ... up the ladder I went (could have scrambled up without one, but ladder was way easier) and on to the big horizontal branch one has to walk (or crawl/whatever) across ... no - I am not that well balanced/confident, so I did what a lot of people have done and sat astride the branch and wiggled my way along until I was at the vertical branch where I had to stand up and reach the cache from up on that ... signed our names, sat back astride the big branch and wiggled my way back and down ... and felt extremely satisfied that I had done it the proper way instead of "cheating" and just climbing straight up to it with my nice long ladder ... </div>
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By the time we got back to the shopping mall where we had all met, it was after Midnight!</div>
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... We all had lots of fun ... I know I did ... and the next evening when I looked down at my legs after having a shower I noticed they were covered in all sorts of odd looking bruises, that I don't have a clue exactly how I got ... lol (if I am having too much fun I don't notice when I do little ouchy things like that - I always know I must have had a good time doing something if I have bruises and/or scratches/missing skin - lol)</div>
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<br />
Oh ... And a couple more R things I just Remembered (actually got Reminded, when I found them in notes, on my iPad :) that I had wRitten somewhere else (probably before I wrote most of the other stuff) Ready to include in here:</div>
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A few more R words?</div>
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Relieved ... to now know what I am/why things went so "pear shaped" with work/etc ... </div>
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Repeat ... Now I think about it, the same kind of thing has happened most of my working life? Not to anywhere near the same extent, but mostly because I have not worked in any other job long enough for it to build up to that? ... Mostly I have left/moved for other reasons, like only temporary work, leaving town, getting posted elsewhere, having kids, etc.</div>
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Realisation ... that my life is probably never going to be easy ... but that is ok ... I am well and truly used to that - lol </div>
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-86377100874035301482017-05-09T00:34:00.000+10:002017-05-09T00:34:30.906+10:00Quite Annoyed... <div dir="ltr">
... because the other day I spent Quite a long time (at least 2 hours, when I had other things I should have been doing) typing up a quite long <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday letter Q </a> post about Quite a weird day I had on Friday ... It started off Quite strange, got Quite scary even, but Quite interesting ... then the middle part Quietened down, then became Quite fun ... the first part of the day had Quite a bit to do with all the crazy stuff going on in my head, the middle was mainly doing a few nice things, then the last few hours were Quite lot of fun that resulted from Quite a random and unexpected Quirk of coincidence ...<br />
If I can remember what I wrote, I might Rewrite it as an R post :)<br />
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Before that I was thinking of posting about Quilts I have made/half made/started/thought up ideas for/whatever ... But I need sleep ... I WAS just going to Quickly add photos to the already typed up draft I HAD and post it ... sigh ...<br />
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But I will still add a photo or 2 ... I only had one photo from Friday that I was going to add ... as well as one from Sunday - my hair is Quite short now (almost too short, but a week or 2 of growing and it should look Quite good :) ... It was getting Quite messy looking so I attacked it with the clippers - lol<br />
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And below those 2 photos ... some Quirky trees I saw on Saturday, and a Quiet hill top I ended up on, on Sunday ... it was Quite nice up there, but unfortunately I think the Geocache I was up there looking for might be missing ... so I detoured a bit further up the road and Quickly dashed into somewhere else and found another one instead :)<br />
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-62164539401654153152017-04-28T02:16:00.000+10:002017-04-28T02:52:22.349+10:00Progress... I think?<div dir="ltr">
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This Peculiar Post is Partly the result of me typing a long text message and realising I can use it as the basis of a blog post for <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/2017/04/p-for-plus.html" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday letter P</a> :)</div>
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I had something else in mind, but that hinged on my having done something else by now, but I Procrastinated too long and will have to Post about that one later... </div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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Progress?... Sort of, I think ... I am somewhere in the middle* of recovering from a mental health condition... (which is also what lead to my recent diagnosis of Autism... both if which I have sort of explained in a few recent blog posts)</div>
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(*"middle", in this case, meaning some unknown point somewhere in between the start and end - because unfortunately, as much as I would love to have this all fixed and over with by tomorrow, I have had to accept that this is one of those "how long is a piece of string?" type of situations)</div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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Lately I have mainly been feeling rather lost and confused and kind of like "me" has been forgotten among all the paperwork and process of having been off work on sick leave, and organising my graduated return to work ... which is something that needs to happen in conjunction with/as part of my recovery... but an accumulation of red tape and delays were becoming rather frustrating, and only adding to my stress (did I mention I have a stress disorder? lol)</div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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Anyway... I think there is finally some sign of Progress - Today was my first "day" (all 2 hours of it - lol) back at work, and I actually spent most of that time... working... <br>
(not at the job I was doing before all this happened, because it has been decided I won't be doing that any more - I am to eventually find some other more suitable Position to transfer to)<br>
There was a meeting I went to yesterday, at work, with those who are organising my return, and then today I started actually doing the duties they have organised for me... and it has all been a rather weird and scary process...</div>
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anyway... I decided to send an update to a friend, via text message, and realised that what I had written was rather Pertinent to Post here... or something Peculiar like that... <br>
I often discover what I actually think about things when I either hear myself telling someone, or read something I am in the middle of writing - lol - Perhaps that is just how I Process things?</div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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Anyway... here is (most of - there was some boring stuff about when I could visit or whatever, and I have added [a few things] too) <i>what I wrote</i> in that message :</div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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<i>Going in yesterday</i> [to the meeting] <i>was a bit of a crazy schamozzle... as was the inside of my head afterwards... I will explain later if one of us remembers I haven't - lol... (short version: mis-communication, = partly, but not all, my fault, resulted in me being tied up in afraid/frayed knots) but today sort of sorted some of that out... </i><br>
[that particular loop, or a variant thereof, has played out many times recently - the joys of being a #stressedaspie - sigh]</div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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<i>Also I am becoming very aware of just what a strange situation I am now realising I am in... "mentally ill" and "disabled" are very slowly learning to get along in my head with "independent" and "strong" and "intelligent" ... I think I am now working my way through the interesting process of coming to terms with the reality of the fact that all of those things are me... </i><br>
<i>(and a few other things I couldn't work out if I was or wasn't but thought I could/should be because I have done - like "capable" and "resilient"? Well... I think the answer to those is now "it depends"... On just what it is I am trying to be capable of or bounce back from... but now I know (or am at least starting to understand) why the answer to questions like "am I good at...?" Or "can I do ...?" is "sometimes" or "it depends..." (because Aspergers is like that...)</i></div><div dir="ltr"><i><br></i>
<i>My mind is a confusing place indeed :)</i></div><div dir="ltr"><i><br></i>
<i>Yikes! that was rather deep and meaningful!</i><br>
<i>... and I thought of most of it while I was typing it!... so thanks</i> [to my friend, and anyone mad enough to actually read my blog posts] <i>for listening and helping me work it out - LOL</i></div><div dir="ltr"><i><br></i></div><div dir="ltr"><i><br></i></div>
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... not that I have worked most if it out... and I often feel like I am going nowhere (or even backwards?!) but thinking logically (I think?) about it at the moment, I kind of feel like maybe I might be actually getting somewhere, even if it IS rather slowly, and sometimes feels like I am going nowhere or bashing myself against a brick wall... sigh... </div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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Oh well... <br>
I am sure there are many more Perturbations to come, and Possible Permutations of how this will all unfold (or unravel?! LOL)<br>
I guess all I can do is continue to try and remain as Positive as Possible, and keep Picking myself up and scrambling back up that rocky slope... and hope that Persistence Pays off... </div><div dir="ltr"><br></div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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Perhaps this Post needs a Photo... I don't have any of the mess in my mind (and you probably don't want to see the mess in my house - lol)</div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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*Peruses Photos for Possibilities*</div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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Yes - that reminds me - for those who read this Post and Panic that I may be really unhappy or whatever... I mentioned being Positive - it has got me through so far - things happen/go on, I worry and stress etc... but I have generally continued to go and do Pleasant things to relax, unwind, gather my thoughts and whatever... a Positive Part of being an Aspie is being able to derive great Pleasure out of Pursuing "special interests"... In other words - doing things I enjoy :)</div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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So... some Photos of some of the Pleasurable, and Probably Peculiar, Pastimes I Partake in:</div>
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(and a few other odd things :)</div><div dir="ltr"><br></div>
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How about a Perfectly complete inside out snake skin (yes, they usually are inside out - because even snakes leave their clothing inside out when they take it off :) that I managed to Pick up in one Piece right next to a Puzzle Geocache that I found by Pure... er... Pigheadedness? - I was going to say fluke/chance, but there was some Planning, a lot of "guestimation" about the likely location, and a good deal of Pure Pugnacious Persistence in searching around several likely geological features on the 45degree sloping side of a Particularly Prominent Hill in Canberra (one with a Pointy tower Poking up from the top ;) ... all because I was Planning on walking Past (to find another cache that was a Puzzle - one I thought I had solved, but when I went there 3 days later I realised I may not have... that, or it is missing - which is also Possible), and I figured if I just happened to find it chance, I could then save the other one to find as my daily next time I was in that area ... also - Probably part of the Peculiarities of being an Aspie :) - all that that Physical effort actually seemed like an easier, and more fun, option than actually solving that Particular Puzzle :)</div>
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The bead bracelets I am wearing, in that photo, are the Product of another of my Pastimes - I am Particularly Passionate about Playing with fabric, fibre, yarn, thread, beads, etc and creating things :)</div>
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I could Put captions on all these Photos too, but Perhaps not - blogging with the app on my Phone or my iPad can be a Pain in the Proverbial - so I might just Put them here, and Publish this Post... lol</div>
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Down the rabbit hole we go?</div>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-wC--mQUQv_U/WQHxUMbykII/AAAAAAAAJPY/uNBvrPrgLYoHXQRleyPe-gRMqjcDwth8wCHM/s1600/DSC_2757.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" width="320" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-wC--mQUQv_U/WQHxUMbykII/AAAAAAAAJPY/uNBvrPrgLYoHXQRleyPe-gRMqjcDwth8wCHM/s640/DSC_2757.JPG"> </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">This was how I found the snake skin (I managed to untangle and bring it home still in one piece, and it is now in a large jar on top to another one I already had :)</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">... My Twitter app is as confused as I am?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div>
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Fetch?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div>
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Yes, nachos with spinach - I wanted to make it healthy :)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div>
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These eggs are left over from from Easter ... 2016 ... lol</div>
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(OK, so I said I wasn't going to bother doing captions, but I decided to add one and it is working ok on my iPad so I added a few more :)</div>
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A page of doodles that kind of grew into a quilt idea or 2, and other things ...</div>
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I decided to leave that sheet of notes my case manager (for work) wrote for me underneath there on purpose ... kind of makes an interesting background to the doodled quilt idea sitting on top :)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I rather like this:</div>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-CRWvSHonYCw/WQHxj6y17II/AAAAAAAAJQM/l1x5oI8CrJwJRSxmf9-pyiWELNhTmoN_ACHM/s1600/GEAK_20170424_164404_1493016394005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" width="320" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-CRWvSHonYCw/WQHxj6y17II/AAAAAAAAJQM/l1x5oI8CrJwJRSxmf9-pyiWELNhTmoN_ACHM/s640/GEAK_20170424_164404_1493016394005.jpg"> </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-s7p-Nst52Ww/WQH91rf0WLI/AAAAAAAAJQc/595VUmMq8MYccZJxPJTRouee8wqMZdB0ACHM/s1600/DSC_2842.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" width="320" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-s7p-Nst52Ww/WQH91rf0WLI/AAAAAAAAJQc/595VUmMq8MYccZJxPJTRouee8wqMZdB0ACHM/s640/DSC_2842.JPG"> </a> </div>aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-40873618598667767232017-04-25T01:38:00.000+10:002017-04-25T01:38:17.080+10:00Oh Oh... I missed N<br />
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Not what I was planning, but Not really surprising - seeing I posted my M post very late - lol<br />
... So ... for <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> - I guess I posted ... Nothing :)</div>
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Not that it matters either - I had an idea or 3 but couldn't really decide, and Not sure I really kNew what I wanted to say ... I might use one or more of the ideas Next time ...</div>
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Now ...<br />
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On to the letter O </div>
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Oh dear ... What should I write about?</div>
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Oh Oh? ... I am starting back at work this week, On a graduated return after a few months of sick leave (see my F and H posts for more about why) ... not sure how Optimistic I am about how it will go ... kind of depends what happens when I get there ... but if I am treated Ok it should work Out ...<br />
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Out of sorts ... Meaning unwell - well - yes, that is why I have been off work - I have a Mental Health condition ... a stress disorder ... which I am still in the process of recovering from ... and I am starting to realise it may take some time ...</div>
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Odd? ... Of course I am ... it should be Obvious from the weird things I post here :)</div>
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I have always felt like the Odd one Out, and known I was different, and a bit weird ... I learnt to live with it, and in many ways I chose to be proud of it ... being an Oddball can come in handy for some things ... Oddly enough, I am not the Only Oddball around ... I have noticed there a few Other Odd people around too ... mostly Online ... and some are more Odd than others :)</div>
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Only ...</div>
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Only Human, Only earn xxx, Only a ..., Only got 5/10, Only something I made, Only average at doing xxx, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/alexisaurusrex/posts/382295448835528" target="_blank">Only in your mind</a>, <a href="http://autisticnotweird.com/labels/" target="_blank">Only mildly Autistic</a>, and so On</div>
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... not the best ways to use that word, for all sorts of different reasons (and if I remember to do it - a couple of those are links to interesting things :)</div>
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... same applies to the word Just ... which people in my quilt group have said is banned when holding up a quilt for show and tell and they say "this quilt is just ... " lol</div>
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Ok... Needs a photo... Or 2... Or more... Oddly enough, I found Oodles of photos I could use for O... some for Obscure reasons, some more Obvious :)</div>
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An Odd doodle:
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Op_IF5FSTgE/WP4Sg22TN6I/AAAAAAAAJLg/6nST5k4VLBsbduJxM0Y_jYerIJuLiDi2wCPcB/s1600/image.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Op_IF5FSTgE/WP4Sg22TN6I/AAAAAAAAJLg/6nST5k4VLBsbduJxM0Y_jYerIJuLiDi2wCPcB/s320/image.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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... That led to an Odd quilt idea :)
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the Other half of my scribbled quilt idea became a couple of Odd tweets :)
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Odd shadows
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Odd angles
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Odd selfie ... In an Office window in Civic
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Odd courtyard I found in Civic
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Ok, if you must ... Off you go ... Leave me in the dark ...
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On top of a hill
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Ominous weather ...
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Orb spider web :)
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Odd art? - no, just some junk someone must have fished out of the lake ...
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OK? Where do I sleep?!
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OMG - I did it! - 366 days of finding at least one Geocache every day :)
... which meant I was allowed to come and find this challenge cache ... which I actually did on day 367 ... and I am still going - not sure how to stop - lol
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-41979893758386371912017-04-11T14:08:00.000+10:002017-04-11T14:08:04.875+10:00Me (up a tree :)<div dir="ltr">
Maybe I am Mad?<br />
... But I often seem to end up in some odd places, doing some odd things ... including ending up ... UP in trees - lol</div>
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Usually because I am up there finding a Geocache ... although in this case I am being silly and having a snack up in a tree, after finding a Geocache that was hidden up there:</div>
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Me up in another tree - finding a Geocache:</div>
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Me wandering around on top of a hill in between finding Geocaches (found myself another snack of blackberries too :)</div>
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Me, on aother hill:</div>
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Me, meeting a swan :)</div>
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Silly selfies - lying ON part of a sculpture at Enlighten Festival:</div>
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The sculpture I was taking the selfies at/on :)</div>
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a different sculpture at the same place:</div>
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people could pull the cords and turn lights on and off ... which everyone seemed to be having a lot of fun doing ... in fact I thought it was rather funny standing there watching a whole crowd of adults, playing - turning lights on and off ... especially when I thought about how people often laugh about how Autistic kids like to turn lights on and off ... and there I was watching a bunch of adults doing the same thing - and there was me, watching how much fun they were having, and laughing to myself at how funny that seemed - especially as that was when I had only just found out that I am actually Autistic </div>
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also at Enlighten ...no me in this one - I was lying on the ground to take the photo at this odd angle ...</div>
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and the building in the background of that last photo - had, with the use of compputers and projectors, and a photo booth, been converted into a giant "selfie machine" ... where one could go in to the photo booth and your happy snap would end up being displayed on the building - so of course I had to have a go at that :)</div>
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me on a lake</div>
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My shadow</div>
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Me messing aroud with my grand daughter (who took the photo of me wearing the hat that belonged to her toy)</div>
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Me and a Meeow</div>
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My granddaughter ... and Me ... we take a lot of selfies - lol</div>
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Me and a view (on my way to find yet another Geocache :)</div>
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Me getting very close to a rather nice big spider :)</div>
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Me beside a tree</div>
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Me going up another tree for another Geocache</div>
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(I had to climb quite a long way UP this one - lol)</div>
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Me under a bridge (another Geocache find :)</div>
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Me in another nice tree, finding another Geocache</div>
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Me after finding the Geocache that was on that island behind me (yes, i had to swim to it - lol)</div>
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another tree, another Geocache</div>
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Me on a rock outcrop - finding another Geocache ... which I had to cross that river to get to :)</div>
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and ... because I currently have this photo on my latop - Me, as a child ... out enjoying nature (with my Dad and brother - Mum was probably the one taking the photo ... and yes - I am the weird looking one, staring off into the distance ... or something ... lol)</div>
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... and the photo that gave me the idea for this blog post ... (that for some reason didn't upload with the others so I had to mess around and then missed the deadline for adding my link to the ABC Wednesday page ... maybe I should stay here, at the library, and do my letter N post right now? lol ... except I am not sure what I am going to do for that one ... )</div>
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Me, up a tree ... taken by my grand daughter because she wanted a turn at taking a photo with my phone, after I took some photos of her climbing in the same tree :)</div>
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-54919422824669585662017-04-02T05:39:00.000+10:002017-04-02T05:39:21.368+10:00Lovely Late Night On A Lake<div dir="ltr">
For <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> letter L, I decided I would Like to post about a Lovely Late night paddling my kayak around on a Local Lake ... but it was so much fun that I did it again ... so now it is two Lovely Late nights on 2 different Lakes - and I will forgive anyone who thinks I am a bit of a Lunatic for being out paddling at such an odd time - LOL<br />
... It is also a few days Late - oops :)<br />
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On Sunday I decided to do a few things (which I didn't get most of done... sigh) then go for a paddle, on Lake Ginninderra, in my kayak, for an hour or 2 around Sunset... I got there and put my kayak in the water at about 6:30pm... and it was so nice out there, and I was having so much fun, that I was still out on the water after Midnight - lol<br />
I put my kayak in the water and took some photos, and then went looking for a Geocache on an island... alas - I think it may be missing (it wasn't the first time I looked for it either) but I did find a nice hairy spider ... then I went paddling some more and took some Sunset photos, and then as it was getting dark, I paddled over to take photos of the weird poles (a sculpture) with lights, in the water near John Knight Park, and also took photos of the lights of Belconnen town centre reflected in the lake, found a rather cool new Geocache on the shore near there, took some more photos, paddled past where I had not found another Geocache the day before - and spotted the sneaky thing from the water! (so I signed the log in that one as well :) ... Paddled around some more and took even more photos of Belconnen lights/etc. floated around near the Belconnen Arts Centre and ate a banana, took a few more photos there, and eventually paddled back to the car at around 12:30am - lol<br />
I have uploaded my phone photos from that evening at <a href="https://goo.gl/photos/YUrWAZnci3SvHvWm8" target="_blank">https://goo.gl/photos/YUrWAZnci3SvHvWm8</a> if you want to see more than the ones in this post ... but I probably should warn you - there are about 230 of them!</div>
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(I think I also took some photos on my camera, but I have not even looked at them yet - lol)</div>
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... and then, I did a repeat effort on another lake - Lake Burley Griffin - on Tuesday evening - put my kayak in the water as the Sun was setting (again - a bit later than I had originally been intending - lol) ... paddled around for a while, taking photos ... drifted down the lake (it was slightly windy :) for an hour or 2 and ate my dinner (sandwiches) while I had my weekly phone chat to Mum, and then I paddled over to Kingston Foreshore for a few more photos - and gave someone on the shore a good laugh when he noticed someone out paddling in front of the resteraunts and bars at about 10:30pm - lol<br />
...and then I headed back over to the car, and went home (a bit earlier than last time, because while I was out there I got a text message that meant I had to get up in the morning and do grandma duties :)</div>
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Sorry - the photos are all together at the end again - photos are on my phone, so was easier to do the post in the Blogger app on my phone (which just adds them all at the end) ... but I am now editing it in the app on my iPad, and have just remembered that I will have to log in and edit it with the web browser as well so I can make it display the photos smaller so the layout isn't all up the creek ... but moving them around as well is too much of a pain in the proverbial ...</div>
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I really need to have another fiddle with my blog settings/etc and see if I can find a better template I can use, so that whatever device I post from - it looks ok without having to edit my posts before publishing them, to fix everything that gets messed up ... I will get there one year ... maybe ... LOL<br />
Oh - Last week, I was also a bit Late writing my <a href="http://aykayem.blogspot.com.au/2017/03/kayak.html">K Post</a> ... Which would have been fine, except I forgot to add my Link to the Linky thingy until the next day, by which time it WAS too Late ... Oops? #executive malfunction? lol
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Sunday Evening:
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And - Tuesday evening:
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-1502637807970193702017-03-28T02:18:00.001+11:002017-03-28T02:45:34.915+11:00Kayak<div dir="ltr">
Er... I kind of didn't get my <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/">ABC Wednesday</a> K post organised when I should have... better (almost too) late than never?<br />
I had a weekend/week recently where I decided to go kayaking on the lake during the hot air balloon festival that is on every year, because I did that one day last year and it was fun :)<br />
I got up and went on the Saturday, but the balloons didn't fly ("too foggy") so I had fun paddling around for a while anyway... and found a Geocache on a post out in the water :)</div>
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I went again on Sunday and not only did the balloons fly, but it was a glorious Sunrise, and a nice day... until I was up the other end of the lake (finding another Geocache and just generally having fun paddling) and it got windy... so I had to paddle all the way back into a headwind, in chop that felt like I was in a washing machine - lol - but I actually quite enjoyed the workout :)</div>
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I decided to go out again on Tuesday... but again - no balloons... "too windy"... wasn't too windy on the water at first, so I decided to do the "Whereigo" Geocache on the lake (one that involves playing a geolocation based game, where one uses a GPS (or an app on a phone with a GPS :) to navigate to various virtual checkpoints in order to proceed through the game and eventually find out where to find the Geocache :)<br />
Good idea in theory - But it involved paddling up the lake into what had become a rather strong headwind, and chop... but I was having fun and enjoying the exercise again - so I kept going... and was already rather wet by the time the rain started. .. I still kept going... had to wait at one stage because a rescue chopper was dropping and retrieving training dummies right ON one of the checkpoints - lol <br />
I eventually finished the game, but the B£%%€¥ Geocache was missing - lol - but it was a fun way to spend about 10 hours out on the lake... lol </div>
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The photos are (I think) all on the bottom, and this post may or may not look weird... and I think I am going to have to publish it then edit it to add link... (oh - maybe not - just noticed I can do that in the app :) because I am doing this on my phone... because that is where all the photos are... lol</div>
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I also went kayaking again yesterday... on a different lake this time... but I would Like to save that for a Lovely L post :)</div>
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<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-_YYUXuiL2Ps/WNktXMcXDTI/AAAAAAAAHN4/lGXQ4otmbNc/s1600/DSC_1144.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-_YYUXuiL2Ps/WNktXMcXDTI/AAAAAAAAHN4/lGXQ4otmbNc/s640/DSC_1144.JPG" width="320" /> </a> </div>aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-64726100751851376702017-03-19T01:38:00.000+11:002017-04-25T01:49:48.310+10:00Just because?<div>
... Ok ... What to post for <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> this week?</div>
<div>
Something for the letter J ...<br>
(Which I wrote most of a few days ago, and finally am posting Just in time - lol)</div>
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I know ...</div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
Joy?</div>
<div>
... Because it is about time for a happy post ... rather than rambling on about my mental health issues ... except to say that I think I am now on the way to getting better :)<br>
(although I think it is going to be a long slow process ... sigh)</div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
... They say the best way to get better at something is to practice ... and I need to get better at being happy - so this weekend I went and did some fun things to see if I could - and I think a few times I may have even got the hang of it for a while :)</div>
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<br></div>
<div>
but ... A lot of them involved going and paddling my Kayak, and I plan to do that again sometime this week - so that can be my K post next week - although that is not totally why I decided that - I also came up with another idea for J:</div>
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<br></div>
<div>
Jewellery?!</div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
... Yes - Jewellery ...</div>
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<br></div>
<div>
not what I expected to be posting about either :)</div>
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... but I kind of ended up fiddling around with beads and thread/cord and making some jewellery ... which some people would probably call beady dangly junk ... but I had fun, and I like what I made :)</div>
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Why?</div>
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... Why did I end up playing with beads when I have half a dozen quilt tops to finish, something I am in the middle of crocheting, and another weird/arty quilt I have started and kind of want to finish ASAP?</div>
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Well ... long story (long for most people, short for me - lol)</div>
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I think the idea started when I had seen adverts for fidget toys and stuff, while reading blogs/etc about Aspergers/Autism, and then my daughter sent me a text message with a link to a rather ugly looking new/different version of something I had seen a while ago, called a fidget cube, and she told me I should buy two - one for me and one for her - lol ... and I decided to have a search online, to see if I could find the nicer looking one I had seen ... I found all sorts of interesting stuff ... there seems to be a huge variety of things one can buy for Autistic kids (or adults) to fiddle with - twiddly things, spinny things, clicky things, squishy stuff, and even chewable necklaces ... all being advertised as good for Autistic people or kids/adults with ADHD/etc anyone else who liked to fiddle with something to focus their thoughts or whatever ... </div>
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... pity things were different when I was a kid - I used to constantly get told off for fiddling with things on my desk in class - but it was how I used to focus/concentrate, so I always fiddled (despite the fact that I got told off, and teased, about it) ... but when I went to school, nobody knew what an Aspie was ... </div>
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er ... where was I? LOL</div>
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anyway ... I got to thinking, and figured most of the fidget toys were a bit weird/ugly, and/or expensive, and the jewellery looked tacky ... and I was also thinking about how fidgeting to think was probably not really a new idea - "worry beads" have been a thing since way back whenever ... </div>
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and then I had a creative idea - why not dig out some beads and do dads and make myself a fiddly thing/worry beads type thingy ... but then I thought a bit more and thought of the idea of making a bead and string/cord bracelet, kind of like the ones I see surfies and hippies wearing - and it can double as an item of jewellery, and something to fiddle with ... and being something that can be worn - then it would be less likely to be lost/misplaced (by someone like me, who would be rather likely to put a fidget cube/etc down somewhere and forget where :)</div>
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... not that I ever have trouble finding something to fiddle with (key rings, rubber bands, drawstrings/cords on my clothing, hair (even when it is an inch long I can still fiddle with it :), my earlobes, my fingers, whatever is in my pocket - I remember at least one stressful conversation I had at work recently where I spent the whole time with one hand in my pocket, totally shredding a tissue and rolling all the shredded bits up into stringy bits of mess - lol) but ... but it was an excuse to dig out some beads and stuff and get creative ... and who knows - if I ever get organised maybe I can make some to sell or something - lol </div>
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This is the first one I made ... using some wooden beads and string ... I am not sure I like what it looks like, but I did like the idea, and how it worked (I kind of invented the way it does up, by fiddling as I made it :) </div>
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... so I decided it could be my prototype and decided to dig out some more beads and thread/cord/whatever and make another one ... but I kept finding beads I thought would work/look good with this or that thread or cord or whatever ... and I couldn't decide - so I threw several options in with my sewing stuff and took it to Monday night quilt drop in ... and spent most of the evening fiddling around (and stuffing things up - some of the beads had rather small holes and I had to make the cord thinner, and I kept threading things the wrong way/order or tying knots in the wrong bits before I put beads on - lol) and ended up making this one with a lot of dangly bits and small glass beads ... then I finished it at the "Wonderful Wednesday" quilt meeting (a monthly meeting which I don't usually get to go to, but have been going to while I have been off work).</div>
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... did I mention I like beads, and dingly dangly things? :)</div>
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Then I was on a roll, and at the Wednesday afternoon drop in (after the other meeting) I decided to make another one, and ended up making a more formal looking one with a matching necklace:</div>
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... this one was a lot quicker to make - lol</div>
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I also plan to make some earrings to complete the set - once I remember to dig out the other packet of those gold feathers and actually FIND where I put the earring hook things that I think might still be in a box ... somewhere ... </div>
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After that I realised that none of them looked like the original idea I had in my mind ... so I dug out some more wooden beads (plain ones, and smaller than the first lot) and thread and made this one:</div>
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... which actually looks something like the vague idea I originally had :)</div>
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This is what it looks like on my wrist:</div>
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... and it is the version I might make some more of? </div>
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"For those fidgety and/or stressed people who bought a fidget toy and immediately put it down/lost it somewhere - a hippy style bracelet that can be worn anywhere, and fiddled with if needed ..."</div>
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Just a bit too weird? lol</div>
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More Junk?</div>
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Or ...</div>
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Just what someone is looking for?</div>
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btw - feel free to copy my idea and make one of your own - not that I could stop anyone doing that if I said not to ... </div>
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And ... I went to Friday quilt drop in before I got around to posting this, and now I have another one:</div>
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... I got a bit carried away with beads and dangly bits :)</div>
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Oops? :)</div>
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Oh - they also make good cat toys :)</div>
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At least my Son's kitten thinks so - lol</div>
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I am here dog/cat sitting while they are away overnight ... my dog plus their 2 cats, and 2 dogs ... it is a zoo here - lol (but there is wifi :)</div>
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Thought I would take this photo because it shows how this one (and some of the others) can be adjusted so different numbers of beads can be at each end ... or, in this case - opened right up into a tiring of beads for a cat (or person) to play with ...</div>
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This brings back memories of when the ex and I had cats - I have taken lots of photos of small items I have made with said items ON one or other cat - lol</div>
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-67223217574617126052017-03-10T04:54:00.000+11:002017-04-25T01:49:48.313+10:00Inside My Head?<div>
I can't decide what to post about ...</div>
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.<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">.. for my </span><a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com/" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">letter I post :)</span></div>
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Incoming!</div>
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(Everyone hide - here comes that weird Andrea person again - lol)</div>
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... but at least I now know I have a reason for being weird - lol</div>
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(See previous post ... and/or just read the rest of this one :)</div>
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Individual?</div>
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Yep - I am often referred to as being "one of a kind" ... but I now also know I am one of the one in 79 (or what other number it is - varies depending where I read it - lol) people who have the same reason for being like that :)</div>
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Indecisive?</div>
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Yes ... don't think I need to say any more considering the first line (which was going to be the title until I changed my mind :) of this post? </div>
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(actually I think I have read something about how having trouble with decision making can be a problem for Aspies ... I still have a lot of reading/etc to do ... lol)</div>
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Intelligent?</div>
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Yes, apparently I am ... when I was in year 6 at school everyone in my year did an IQ test and the teacher told my mum that I got a very high score (as in the highest they had ever seen<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">!?!) ... not sure it did me much good though ... lol</span></div>
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Insecure?</div>
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Also a very big yes ... sigh ... for most of my life I have had a very low self Image ... another common thing for Aspies, I believe ... also not helped by spending half my life married to someone who did nothing much to encourage me, and a lot to "put me down" ... sigh ... </div>
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Inconspicuous?</div>
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... Nope - definitely not me ... even if I tried to, I am not ... probably why I gave up trying hide and pretend I was normal, and just kept on being me ... despite the fact that I am often thought to be some kind of an idiot ... lol</div>
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Indigo?</div>
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No, nothing to do with me/who I am - lol - just a nice colour and an interesting plant, that is fun to dye fabric/etc with :)</div>
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Imagination?</div>
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Yes, I have one ... I have been known to hide in there - lol</div>
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Sometimes it is a good place to be, but sometimes it isn't ...</div>
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Insensitive?</div>
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I don't think I really am, or at least I don't Intend to be - but it has been said about me ... because I can say the wrong thing/be a bit blunt ... that one is definitely an Aspie thing ...</div>
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Inspiration?</div>
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I find inspiration in all sorts of places ... and who knows, maybe someone might even find some inspiration here in my blog ... or if not, then maybe just something to laugh at, or shake their head in bewilderment at, and be glad they don't think like me - lol</div>
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Inside my mind?</div>
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er ... that is a rather strange and scary place, especially at the moment - lol</div>
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I tried to depict the inside of my mind for a "self portrait" quilt challenge a few years ago:</div>
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Insight?</div>
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Hmm ... something I find a bit confusing actually ... probably (later correction - DEFINITELY) something I need to fix/improve? lol</div>
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but maybe I am getting there?</div>
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Or maybe not?</div>
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Here is something I wrote the day after I wrote most of last week's post:</div>
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I am still totally confused, and rather overwhelmed, and still have the stress issue (probably mostly something called "adjustment disorder" with some anxiety/depression/etc thrown in there just for fun :) so I still have a heck of a lot of stuff to sort out with the psychologist ...</div>
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... but now, at least there is "a light at the end of the tunnel"</div>
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Unfortunately, with the way work have handled things so far, and the way things have affected me differently than intended/expected (mostly due to me being an Aspie and neither me nor them knowing), I have a sneaking suspicion that the light at the end of the tunnel probably IS an oncomming train! - but at least I now know that I can get off the tracks and flatten myself against the wall and most likely avoid being totally crushed by the slow moving steam engine of "normal procedure" and/or totally entangled in its load of red tape :)</div>
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Insult</div>
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... The only way I was able to interpret the email I got from work the other day (after I wrote most of this blog post, including the bit just above!) ... probably best not discussed here though ... not yet ... not while there is some vague chance that certain people might actually realise/be told that they are still not doing things how they should, and actually do the right thing ... </div>
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Later edit: Which looks like they are now doing :) </div>
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... and I probably interpreted said email the wrong way anyway. (although I also have a suspicion that until they got the last medical certificate from my doctor, stating what he has been treating me for, and what needs to happen with me doing a "gradual return to work", I don't think they realised that I do actually have a mental health condition, rather than just a doctor who was happy to write certificates </div>
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I have also since realised I do seem to have got a few things muddled up in my mind - probably yet another mis-communication/brain fart (and lack of aforementioned Insight?) on my part - where I seem to have got myself totally tangled up with some (wrong) idea and totally mis-understood everything ... something which I now realise is a result of this next thing I had already written:</div>
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Incapacitated</div>
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... Yes ... kind of frightening actually, because I have just realised (after writing the rest of this over the last week or so) that at the moment I am very much so! </div>
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Seems that between the Aspergers and the stress, and the stress making the Aspergers affect me more - I am misunderstanding/confusing more stuff than not, with the work issues ... and have had totally the wrong idea about how things are meant to work, and what everyone needs to/can do ... and even about things I have talked about with people (although probably not really helped that I actually didn't know much about all this sort of stuff, and have not really had anyone who has sat down with me to explain it all) ... ahrgh- the knots my strange brain and I end up getting myself tangled up in!</div>
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Edit: I really should add a link here, to some information which I am SO glad I read, because it has been extremely helpful ... because it explains a lot about at least some, if not all, of the issues I am having :)</div>
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Later Edit: here it is: <a href="https://musingsofanaspie.com/executive-function-series/" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">https://musingsofanaspie.com/executive-function-series/</a></div>
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Why do the words "Aspie Jelly" keep popping into my mind?! ... my brain doing weird things with words ... another Aspie thing? ... I recently saw a tweet about Aspic Jelly ... (which unfortunately I have not eaten for years, but know I used to really like) ... and I kind of feel a bit like a wibbly wobbly jelly at the moment ... or like maybe my brain is ... </div>
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oh well ... guess I can keep it filed away with all my other weird thoughts and ideas, in case I ever need a name for another blog or a title for a post' or a name for a quilt, or something ... </div>
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hmm ... now there's a thought ... </div>
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*brain wanders off into the distance, whistling (out of tune :)*</div>
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Is it too weird?</div>
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I think I have tweeted quite a few tweets that start with those words, or "Is it weird that I...?" or something similar ... my answer to the question is usually "yes - it is weird, but too bad - I AM weird" ...</div>
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...and yes, I did write a catalogue description for a quilt I had not even designed yet, let alone started making ... thought of the title first - yes "Aspie Jelly" that I mentioned earlier in this post :) and then wrote the description ... and figured I can work out what to make, probably using some particular scraps of fabric that I fished out of the "free to a good home" bucket at the Canberra Quilters room ... I started the quilt the other day ... not sure if I will get it finished, but if I do - it will be weird - lol </div>
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(and if you look at the date on that tweet - yes - I wrote a lot of this blog post a week or 2 before posting it :)</div>
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I guess now I know WHY I am weird - yes - I will still call myself weird, and I am usually quite happy to be called weird - to me that word is a compliment ... I AM different, and I always will be ... and, from a very young age, I have always known I was ... and I had kind of accepted that, because I knew it was just how I was, and that it wasn't ever likely to change (because I wouldn't still be me if it did), and I knew that there were some things about being whatever sort of different I was, that were good/useful (eg creativity/etc :) or at least made me laugh - and I liked that - and because I knew, and had come to accept, that I was different to everyone else I knew, I think I was quite happy to be proud of being weird :) ... I still am - but now - I know why I am different ... </div>
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(but I still like the word "weird" lol)</div>
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And one more ... could also be an "is it weird that I think that...?" </div>
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Irony:</div>
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Is it just me that finds it ironic? (or ammusing? or something ...) that Aspies tend to think about things in "black or white" terms ... and Aspergers is definitely NOT a "black or white" condition?! ... hmm - no wonder I am so confused right now?!??</div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
Interesting ... yes - oddly enough, while I am finding all this stuff a bit frightening, I am also finding it rather interesting ... which makes it a bit less frightening, I guess ...</div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
Oh - and in case anyone is getting too worried about me - yes, I have a lot going on in my head, with all the work situation/stress disorder/Aspergers diagnosis/etc ... but oddly enough - apart from that, I am actually feeling sort of ok (at least most of the time ... I have ups and downs, but I guess that is to be expected ...), and also doing some things I enjoy, because they are just what I need to de-stress (in fact I am quite happy that my psychologist has told me I should go to quilt group, and go Geocaching - lol) ... yes, it is still an uphil climb, with a long way to go - but I am hopeful that the view from the top is going to be fantastic :)</div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
And another ...</div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
Imagine:</div>
<div>
Having a stress disorder (which I currently do) affects things like "executive functioning" in the brain and so does Aspergers ... and both those things make each other worse ... no wonder I am so confused ... and functioning so badly (in some ways) right now! </div>
<div>
So ...</div>
<div>
If anyone else is feeling confused when I talk/write about all the stuff going on in/with my messed up brain, and is having trouble understanding it - imagine what it is like for me, inside my head, trying to make sense of it all WITH that same messed up brain!</div>
<div>
<br></div>
aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-41014246701163456572017-03-01T20:12:00.000+11:002017-04-25T01:49:48.304+10:00How to be me?How To Be Me? ?! ???<br>
It seems a bit odd for someone to still be learning something like that at my age (54), but for the past few weeks I have been seeing a psychologist, and (an expensive!) specialist in order to do exactly that ...<br>
<br>
I posted about my mental health (some of the things I have been through in the last few years, and the work/etc problems I am now having) 2 weeks ago - <a href="http://aykayem.blogspot.com.au/2017/02/falling-apart.html" target="_blank">here</a><br>
... it was my <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> letter F post :)<br>
and I also came up with the title, and a plan, to post this for the <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/2017/02/h-is-where-heart-is.html" target="_blank">Letter H</a><br>
<br>
... because I kind of knew that by now I would have one more answer, and one more part of the puzzle that is me:<br>
<br>
On Monday I had a third visit with the not so cheap doctor ... I paid to go and see this particular doctor because he is one who specialises in Autism Spectrum Disorders ... Yes - I have suspected I may be on that spectrum for a few years, but had not realised it could be affecting me so much, so had dismissed it as not particularly important ...<br>
But, after discussing things with my psychologist, and her having sent me to discuss things with this doctor - now I know it is important, and I needed to know for sure - and it is now official - I have been diagnosed as having "level 1 Autistic Spectrum Disorder" - otherwise known as <a href="https://psychcentral.com/lib/adult-aspergers-the-relief-of-a-diagnosis/" target="_blank">Aspergers</a> ...<br>
(There is also a heap more info <a href="http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/about-aspergers/what-is-aspergers" target="_blank">here</a> :)<br>
<br>
So ... as odd as it sounds - I can now say I have been diagnosed with an incurable condition, but I am Happy about that!<br>
Yes - Happy! ... How can that be? - to me (and from what I have been told - most people who get diagnosed with Aspergers later in their life), it means that instead of being a "normal" person who has had a heap of problems with things, I now know there is a reason I have had many (most?) of those problems - because i am an Aspie! (and/or because I didn't know I was one).<br>
... and although Aspergers is/can be a disability, it also kind of isn't (and it doesn't qualify me for NDIS funding or anything like that, because it doesn't impair me from being able to live a normal life or mean I would require support to live normally, etc, etc.)<br>
Aspergers is often now described as a different way of thinking, that a fairly large number of us have ... and it is often said that in some ways it is also a gift ... and yes - I guess it can be ... being creative and quirky etc is a good thing (sometimes - lol) ... I LIKE being weird - this is who I am - take away the Aspergers and I would not BE who I am ... I would just be some normal person, lost in the crowd ... probably happier, but boring - lol<br>
Oh - and one other thing (that I found myself saying to my Mum) - I am not going to use Aspergers as an excuse (for doing/not doing anything I should or for problems I may have or whatever) - it is not an excuse for anything - it is a reason, not an excuse.<br>
<br>
Apparently, I also need a textbook to study this subject of "How to be me" - lol - the doctor who just diagnosed me has suggested I buy <a href="https://www.amazon.com.au/gp/f.html?C=3PA7Q5PDNDL9K&R=3MI5VW5WPB4EJ&T=C&U=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com.au%2FBeen-There-Done-That-This-ebook%2Fdp%2FB00ICS8MEI%2Fref%3Dcm_sw_em_r_dp_v_da_T0OTyb6V3QJZQ_tt&A=RIHRQAE8UDOSADVDCXZCKACY3ZWA&H=64VPAGEOJAKMUIDAQ4XMJ7SVXGCA">this book</a> ... I might buy it, but for now I have got (and already read :) the free sample that Amazon sent, and have requested to borrow a hard copy from the library (they don't seem to have it as an ebook ... but I have not actually borrowed an ebook before, so I might be doing something wrong - lol).<br>
<br>
But now ... I still need to do something about the other half of the problem I currently have - being an Aspie explains some of the how's and whys of things, but I still have to sort out the mental health issues I currently have - the stress/etc thing that has resulted in me being away from work ... probably "adjustment disorder" or somesuch ... on top of a messy snowball of stress and some depression ... but at least now I know a bit more about what makes me tick, and why I had at least some of the difficulties that contributed to the stress/etc - I think I am now mentally in a far better place - and hopefully I can now get the right sort of help, and I feel more confident that it will actually help ... and I now feel a whole lot better about myself, and more able to come to terms with the fact that I have "fallen apart" lately - I now know that it is not because I am weak or useless (apparently poor self image is a common problem for Aspies, and definitely has been for me!) - I now know there is a perfectly logical reason for it, that I didn't know was affecting me that much, but now I do - add being an Aspie, and not knowing about it, to all the other stuff - and it is no surprise that I have fallen apart (in fact the surprise is that it didn't happen sooner and/or worse?) - and I am now going to be a lot better equipped to pick up the pieces and put them all in the right places - so that I can, hopefully, end up being a lot more happy about myself and my life than I have been ...<br>
<br>
Actually, a poem I wrote, quite a few years ago (before I got quite so stressed/etc in the last few years) comes to mind ... and I think it kind of applies to me now :)<br>
<br>
I looked at life the normal way,<br>
And didn't like what I saw,<br>
So I looked at life the other way,<br>
And now I enjoy it more.<br>
<br>
Except maybe I should change the word "other" to "Aspie"? LOL<br>
<br>
... So now I just need to learn a whole lot more about Aspergers, and being an Aspie, and I also need to keep working with a psychologist (with that and all the other mental health/stress/etc stuff) for a while - and learn HOW to actually BE who/what I now know I am :)<div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-vnw-Ny3KC3o/WLaRmg8LIDI/AAAAAAAAHAc/FHYsLyicYWI/s640/blogger-image-1720007930.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-vnw-Ny3KC3o/WLaRmg8LIDI/AAAAAAAAHAc/FHYsLyicYWI/s640/blogger-image-1720007930.jpg"></a></div><br>
<br>
Hopefully I will get around to posting to my blog a bit more often again now ... Hopefully about a few slightly more normal things, and/or not so normal but not so freaky things ... and also maybe a few more things about my journey into the uncharted territory of my mind, and how I am going with finding myself and learning how to be myself ... (and possibly something about what ends up actually happening when I go back to work - which could be a strange but possibly interesting process, which apparently needs to involve a "rehabilitation provider" and a "graduated return to work" ... which all kind of makes it sound serious and scary, and confusing, but hopefully means things will have a better chance of actually going well for me ... unlike the start of this year, when I tried to go back with no support at all, and things just got worse than they had been)<br>
<br>
I am still feeling rather confused, and possibly a bit overwhelmed - have felt like that for the last few weeks, which is probably quite understandable considering what I have been going through :)<br>
Who knows where this weird journey of my life will actually take me next - could be ... interesting ... and quite possibly frightening at times ... but knowing what I have already been through at times during my life, and some of the things I know I have inside my weird mind - strange and frightening is something I am probably already quite used to :)<br>
<br>
Oh ... and I am probably already tweeting a bit too much about some of this stuff? lol (oh well - my followers (all 1 or 2 of them? :) will just have to live with it - it is kind of rather important to me at the moment, and what I am busy sorting out/doing ... so of course I want to tweet about it - lol)<br>
<br>
... The mind of a "stressed out" Aspie is a rather strange place ... Confusing, scary, and - oddly enough - I am also finding it quite interesting - lol<br>
<br>
The other day I found myself saying that I have a whole universe inside my mind - and it made me laugh - because, in a way, it is true ...<br>
Beam me up and go to Warp 9 Scotty! - I need to explore the universe :)<br>
<br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ftpF2YvWwuY/WLaRtfB0O9I/AAAAAAAAHAk/xAE0sNzmnRA/s640/blogger-image--1503358243.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ftpF2YvWwuY/WLaRtfB0O9I/AAAAAAAAHAk/xAE0sNzmnRA/s640/blogger-image--1503358243.jpg"></a></div><br>
<br>
... In the meantime, I will just explore a few more odd corners of Canberra :)<br><br><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-L01VvlOY2_g/WLaRp2E4oqI/AAAAAAAAHAg/LXFG7tWUAUM/s640/blogger-image-1024409705.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-L01VvlOY2_g/WLaRp2E4oqI/AAAAAAAAHAg/LXFG7tWUAUM/s640/blogger-image-1024409705.jpg"></a></div><br></div></div>aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-80678003669810944602017-02-26T03:23:00.000+11:002017-02-26T03:26:29.238+11:00Going Geocaching<div>
Ok ... A slightly more fun <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> post than last week :)</div>
<div>
... Well - it is something I do for fun (and to de-stress :) ... I GO and Get lost finding things - lol<br />
This week <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/2017/02/g-is-for-gardens.html" target="_blank">the letter is G</a></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">G is for Geocaching ... </span></div>
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"What is that?" - well - I have heard it described as "using expensive satellite technology to find Tupperware hidden in the bush" ... and yes, it kind of is that, and more ... For those who want to know more, <a href="http://www.geocaching.com/">www.geocaching.com</a> is a good place to start - you can read all about what it is and how to do it, and if it sounds fun - sign up and start doing it ... there are also phone apps for it too (the official one is probably the easiest to start with, but there are others that a lot of the more experienced cachers prefer ... although even more of those who have been into Geocaching for a while prefer to do it with an actual GPS unit - which, back when it started about 17 years ago, was the only way to do it :) </div>
<div>
(For those who don't know - GPS stands for Global Positioning System ... and it is what has made it possible for people to do all sorts of things, from finding your way to the nearest coffee shop with a maps app on your phone, or navigating your car to a meeting, locating where you are if you are out bushwalking or 4 wheel driving in the middle of nowhere, and playing online games that involve Geolocation - like Ingress, and Pokemon Go ... And ... Geocaching :)</div>
<div>
I actually just use my phone to go Geocaching ... I decided I could afford an expensive GPS, or an expensive camera, or i could just buy a not so cheap phone that does all 3 of those things (and more - lol)</div>
<div>
... it works ok for me ... </div>
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I am now up to about day 319 <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">in a row, where I have found at least one Geocache each day :)</span></div>
<div>
... I am planning on making it at least 366, possibly more ... but it gets harder as I go because I can only find each one once and I am running out of them close to home ... but there are plenty to find if I go driving - there are about 3000 of them here in the Canberra area!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Who hides them? - anyone who wants to :) </div>
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... preferably someone who has found a few, so they know what they</div>
<div>
are doing.</div>
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I have found over 1000 now, and I have hidden a few too :)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Why do people do it? Probably for as many reasons as there are people who do it ... To get fit, get outdoors, because they got bored and decided to try it, for something to do with the kids, for something to do to get away from the kids, for something to do while travelling, for something to do as a reason for travelling, etc.</div>
<div>
Me? - because I got curious and read about it, decided to go looking for one, and had fun doing that and was instantly hooked ... I liked the challenge of finding them, and the fun of going to all sorts of odd and interesting places to look for them - some places I had been meaning to go to but had never got around to it, and some places I never even knew existed! I like going walking to find them - either around town, or walking out in the bush ... Has been a good way to keep fit and active, and a good way to de-stress/keep myself sane ... I think I used it as an escape when things were going pear shaped with my marriage, and as therapy after my now EX husband walked out ... and it has been good therapy/relaxation/de-stressing with the other issue I have been dealing with lately (the one mentioned in last week's <a href="http://aykayem.blogspot.com.au/2017/02/falling-apart.html" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday letter F post</a> )</div>
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<br /></div>
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Who goes Geocaching?</div>
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Chances are - someone in your family, or who you work with ... all sorts of people do - kids, teenagers, young adults, older adults, even some very old adults ... fit people do it to keep fit, unfit people do it to get fit, I know several people who take their dogs to find all those that are hidden where dogs are allowed. I don't know the exact reasons most Geocachers I know do it - I just know they have fun :)</div>
<div>
I have found it to be quite an inclusive pastime - I have met Geocachers who have highly paid government jobs, low paid jobs, no jobs ... can be, and is, done by all ages and abilities ... I have met little kids who do it, and Great Grandmothers ... i have also met quite a few deaf people who Geocache, and at least a couple of autistic people, and a couple of people in wheelchairs - yes there are some Geocaches that are wheelchair accessible ... there are also some that are definitely not - like a couple I have found up in the tops of trees! </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Where are they? </div>
<div>
Sign up, get the phone app (or get a GPS, and upload some from the website) and go look for one - lol - chances are there is at least one nearby - they are everywhere, all over the world (there are over 2 million now) ... there is even one up on the International Space Station ... I really want to go and find that one, but somehow I doubt I have much chance of ever doing that ... sigh ...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Usually, I go find Geocaches by myself, but sometimes I go Geocaching with someone, or a Group of people ... sometimes I take my dog, and the other day I took my Grand daughter ... and one evening I even had a bunch of curious cows come with me!</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-iKcn41g69_w/WLGkE2Phc5I/AAAAAAAAG_s/Su3S8Yooslo/s640/blogger-image--1382661318.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-iKcn41g69_w/WLGkE2Phc5I/AAAAAAAAG_s/Su3S8Yooslo/s400/blogger-image--1382661318.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">MOOving right along ...?</td></tr>
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-58974000490262008962017-02-16T01:38:00.000+11:002017-04-25T01:49:48.307+10:00Falling Apart?... and putting myself back together again :)<br>
<div>
<br>
<div>
Yes - rather a strange title for a post, and rather a strange post for <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> ... but I figured it was about time I started blogging again, because it is Fun ... and the subject/title Fits <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/2017/02/f-for-ferry.html" target="_blank">the letter F</a> ... so I Figured I may as well risk Freaking everyone out and post about this ... er... stuff I am posting about :)</div>
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<br>
<div>
For a while now, possibly even most of my life, I have Felt, at times, a bit like I was a Failure ... after the last time life as I know it sort of Fell apart (when the person I had been married to for 25 years decided to just walk out without even discussing it) I was a bit of a mess For a while, but after that I Felt a bit better, and thought I was Finding myself ... Figured I was starting a new life, Found and bought a new house ... but then I still Found myself stuck in the same old job I had been in For way too long ... and I was not happy. I thought I would be Fine once I Found a new job ... but that kind of wasn't happening ... and then Finally, "the wheels Fell off" ... I had known I wasn't totally happy (but I was still having Fun doing a heap of things I liked ... possibly too many things? lol) ... and I knew I Felt a bit stressed and stuff ... but what I didn't know was that I had also probably been depressed ... I do now ... also realised that I <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">possibly had been stressed and depressed for quite some time ... but hopefully that is now something that can be, and is being, fixed - now that </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">I have Finally got the right sort of professional help ... which eventually happened this year, at the end of a rather long and messed up process involving my workplace, after I Found myself in the Fairly Frightening situation of getting in trouble at work, because I was so stressed/etc that I was no longer able to do my job properly - and so my world kind of Fell apart ... again (that was toward the end of last year - about when I wrote the last blog post, actually) ... but now that I am Finding out a Few more things about what makes me tick, I Feel that I will be Fine again in a while, when I have Finished Finding out about myself, and can then Finally Find myself :)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><br></span></div>
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This is not meant to be a depressing post - things are a bit Freaky at the moment but I will be Fine :) </div>
<div>
- I am on a journey, and although I ended up on a Fairly rough road again For a while, hopefully I have now Found Four wheel drive so I can get over it, and will get a GPS to keep me on track to where I want to go, and I can be a "happy camper" again :)</div>
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<br></div>
<div>
... maybe I should have called this post "Finding Myself" ... but I might save that for next round, when I have Found out a bit more about myself, and what direction this bumpy road is taking me - lol</div>
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(one thing I do know, is these kind of things take time ... as a certain shampoo advert says: "It won't happen overnight, but it will happen" lol)</div>
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<br></div>
<div>
... Hmm ... who would have thought I would be blogging (or even talking) about Mental health conditions and myself all in the same story? ... and maybe I am a special kind of weird, telling the whole world about this stuff? ... but when I read somewhere that "in Australia, it is estimated that 45% of people will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime" - then I think it is something that SHOULD be talked about more often ... who knows ... one of the 2 or 3 people who might ever read my blog posts might read this and think "I wonder if this is my problem" or "I feel depressed" or " I am a bit stressed" and be wondering "do I need help?" Or "should I get help?" ... yes - you probably should! (if you seek help and find out you don't need it - is that a problem? ... but if you don't get help and did need it - that might not work out so well ...)</div>
</div>
</div>
<div>
Maybe I should do "Help" for my H post? - lol</div>
<div>
(in the meantime, just do a search for "stress" or "depression" or whatever - there is a lot of information online ... almost too much ... )</div>
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<br></div>
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and yes, I know - I am kind of talking in riddles, and might not be making much sense ... I am sure I have mentioned this before: I am weird ... lol</div>
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<br></div>
<div>
In the near (ish?) Future, there might be a Few more blog posts about my Feelings and things, depending how I Feel about things - lol</div>
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<br></div>
<div>
... and hopefully also a Few posts about other, more Fun, things ... like maybe next week, for the letter G, I can talk about one of the Fun thing that has sort of helped keep me sane For the last Few years - Going Geocaching :)</div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
(but don't panic if I don't post next week, or even For a Few weeks (months?) - I am disorganised at the best of times, and my busy life might get in the way - so I might not have time to write that post - in which case I will have to do that one next time around :)</div>
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<br></div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
One more F thing:</div>
<div>
#foundit </div>
<div>
... If you search for that on Twitter, you will probably find a heap of my tweets (and quite possibly other people's tweets as well) about Geocaching :)</div>
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<br></div>
<div>
...now "eff off" and go read a more interesting "F" post :)</div>
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<br></div>
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Unless you want to look at this Funny photo of me First - lol</div>
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(One Mum recently sent to me, scanned From the Family album, taken when I was Fairly young)</div>
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-43711717632399825092016-10-25T00:30:00.001+11:002016-10-25T00:30:14.129+11:00Er... Oops?<p dir="ltr">Yes, I am still alive... Just realised it has been almost a year since I posted here. .. I really must fix that... <br>
I have kind of been busy... Working at a job I have been doing for way to long, going Geocaching to keep sane (insane?)... Seems to be my current way of practising "mindfulness" (last year it was kayaking, and taking Sunrise photos while doing that... This year I seem to have somehow got in to finding at least one Geocache every day since just after Easter ... Not sure how many days I am up to now - I have a backlog of logging to catch up on ... Not just my usual disorganised - the last few weeks has been due to not only limited time to log, but also limited phone data/internet - I just had a 3 week holiday on the North Island of New Zealand (travelling around with my parents, in a hire campervan... And having baths in buckets - lol)... Got a local sim card with 1GB of data to play with... Used some of it for email and the odd look at Facebook and Twitter, and to tweet a few photos... And used most of it for finding Geocaches... Or using the listing's for geocaches that are at places we were going past/to to find things to see and places to camp for the night - lol<br>
I thought I might find 5 or 10 caches the whole time I was there but I found one or more (about 8 a few times) every day - lol<br>
But... Now I am home... and back at work... and life kind of sucks again... sigh... <br>
</p>
aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10064555.post-49755005013769963192015-10-29T16:28:00.000+11:002015-10-29T16:28:50.055+11:00A Peculiar Post Pertaining to the sale and Purchase of PropertyOh ... I just noticed that my Previous blog Post was also a <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/2015/10/p-is-for-pumpkin.html" target="_blank">P Post</a> for <a href="http://abcwednesday-mrsnesbitt.blogspot.com.au/" target="_blank">ABC Wednesday</a> - lol<br />
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... which means 25 letters have snuck by while I have been busy! - oops?!</div>
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So what have I been busy doing? ... er ... a lot of nothing much, some kayaking, a few other fun things, and ... a whole lot of sorting out and packing etc, and selling a house that belonged to my EX husband and I, and finding myself one of my own :)</div>
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Finally got said Property on the market about 3 months ago, and eventually found someone who liked it enough to buy it ... and in the meantime, while the agent was showing it to Prospective buyers, I was going and looking at all the Places I might want to live, and what sort of Property I might want to buy (unit? house?), and which Particular ones I liked/wanted to buy if they were still around when I had sold the other one ... Oddly enough, the weekend after finding a buyer - the Perfect Place Popped up on the market ... and I am now in the Process of Procuring it ... just waiting for the last bit of legal stuff to happen - the day the other place officially becomes the Property of the People Purchasing it, the new place becomes mine ... well - apart from the half the bank will own ... sigh ...</div>
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Hmm ... not sure if I really have any Photos Pertaining to this Post, but Perhaps I can Procure one ... ah this will do - I actually Pinched this Photo from the sales listing online ... So you can see a Picture of (what will very soon be) my Patio - lol</div>
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Anyway, time to go ... I only had time to Post this because I had a spare hour between finishing work and going to a Public lecture on a topic I am interested in (sciencey stuff :) ... then when I get home from the meeting I have more Packing to do ... the downside of moving house - actually MOVING all my stuff - lol</div>
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aykayemhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10954158656691915671noreply@blogger.com5