Inside My Head?

I can't decide what to post about ...

... for my ABC Wednesday letter I post :)

Incoming!

(Everyone hide - here comes that weird Andrea person again - lol)

... but at least I now know I have a reason for being weird - lol

(See previous post ... and/or just read the rest of this one :)

Individual?

Yep - I am often referred to as being "one of a kind" ... but I now also know I am one of the one in 79 (or what other number it is - varies depending where I read it - lol) people who have the same reason for being like that :)

Indecisive?

Yes ... don't think I need to say any more considering the first line (which was going to be the title until I changed my mind :) of this post? 

(actually I think I have read something about how having trouble with decision making can be a problem for Aspies ... I still have a lot of reading/etc to do ... lol)

Intelligent?

Yes, apparently I am ... when I was in year 6 at school everyone in my year did an IQ test and the teacher told my mum that I got a very high score (as in the highest they had ever seen!?!) ... not sure it did me much good though ... lol

Insecure?

Also a very big yes ... sigh ... for most of my life I have had a very low self Image ... another common thing for Aspies, I believe ... also not helped by spending half my life married to someone who did nothing much to encourage me, and a lot to "put me down" ... sigh ... 

Inconspicuous?

... Nope - definitely not me ... even if I tried to, I am not ... probably why I gave up trying hide and pretend I was normal, and just kept on being me ... despite the fact that I am often thought to be some kind of an idiot ... lol

Indigo?

No, nothing to do with me/who I am - lol - just a nice colour and an interesting plant, that is fun to dye fabric/etc with :)

Imagination?

Yes, I have one ... I have been known to hide in there - lol

Sometimes it is a good place to be, but sometimes it isn't ...

Insensitive?

I don't think I really am, or at least I don't Intend to be - but it has been said about me ... because I can say the wrong thing/be a bit blunt ... that one is definitely an Aspie thing ...

Inspiration?

I find inspiration in all sorts of places ... and who knows, maybe someone might even find some inspiration here in my blog ... or if not, then maybe just something to laugh at, or shake their head in bewilderment at, and be glad they don't think like me - lol

Inside my mind?

er ... that is a rather strange and scary place, especially at the moment - lol

I tried to depict the inside of my mind for a "self portrait" quilt challenge a few years ago:

Insight?

Hmm ... something I find a bit confusing actually ... probably (later correction - DEFINITELY) something I need to fix/improve? lol

but maybe I am getting there?

Or maybe not?

Here is something I wrote the day after I wrote most of last week's post:

I am still totally confused, and rather overwhelmed, and still have the stress issue (probably mostly something called "adjustment disorder" with some anxiety/depression/etc thrown in there just for fun :) so I still have a heck of a lot of stuff to sort out with the psychologist ...

... but now, at least there is "a light at the end of the tunnel"

Unfortunately, with the way work have handled things so far, and the way things have affected me differently than intended/expected (mostly due to me being an Aspie and neither me nor them knowing), I have a sneaking suspicion that the light at the end of the tunnel probably IS an oncomming train! - but at least I now know that I can get off the tracks and flatten myself against the wall and most likely avoid being totally crushed by the slow moving steam engine of "normal procedure" and/or totally entangled in its load of red tape :)

Insult

... The only way I was able to interpret the email I got from work the other day (after I wrote most of this blog post, including the bit just above!)  ... probably best not discussed here though ... not yet ... not while there is some vague chance that certain people might actually realise/be told that they are still not doing things how they should, and actually do the right thing ... 

Later edit: Which looks like they are now doing :) 

... and I probably interpreted said email the wrong way anyway. (although I also have a suspicion that until they got the last medical certificate from my doctor, stating what he has been treating me for, and what needs to happen with me doing a "gradual return to work", I don't think they realised that I do actually have a mental health condition, rather than just a doctor who was happy to write certificates 

I have also since realised I do seem to have got a few things muddled up in my mind - probably yet another mis-communication/brain fart (and lack of aforementioned Insight?) on my part - where I seem to have got myself totally tangled up with some (wrong) idea and totally mis-understood everything ... something which I now realise is a result of this next thing I had already written:

Incapacitated

... Yes ... kind of frightening actually, because I have just realised (after writing the rest of this over the last week or so) that at the moment I am very much so! 

Seems that between the Aspergers and the stress, and the stress making the Aspergers affect me more - I am misunderstanding/confusing more stuff than not, with the work issues ... and have had totally the wrong idea about how things are meant to work, and what everyone needs to/can do ... and even about things I have talked about with people (although probably not really helped that I actually didn't know much about all this sort of stuff, and have not really had anyone who has sat down with me to explain it all) ... ahrgh- the knots my strange brain and I end up getting myself tangled up in!

Edit: I really should add a link here, to some information which I am SO glad I read, because it has been extremely helpful ... because it explains a lot about at least some, if not all, of the issues I am having :)

Later Edit: here it is: https://musingsofanaspie.com/executive-function-series/

Why do the words "Aspie Jelly" keep popping into my mind?! ... my brain doing weird things with words ... another Aspie thing? ... I recently saw a tweet about Aspic Jelly ... (which unfortunately I have not eaten for years, but know I used to really like) ... and I kind of feel a bit like a wibbly wobbly jelly at the moment ... or like maybe my brain is ... 

oh well ... guess I can keep it filed away with all my other weird thoughts and ideas, in case I ever need a name for another blog or a title for a post' or a name for a quilt, or something ... 

hmm ... now there's a thought ... 

*brain wanders off into the distance, whistling (out of tune :)*

Is it too weird?

I think I have tweeted quite a few tweets that start with those words, or "Is it weird that I...?" or something similar ... my answer to the question is usually "yes - it is weird, but too bad - I AM weird" ...

...and yes, I did write a catalogue description for a quilt I had not even designed yet, let alone started making ... thought of the title first - yes "Aspie Jelly" that I mentioned earlier in this post :) and then wrote the description ... and figured I can work out what to make, probably using some particular scraps of fabric that I fished out of the "free to a good home" bucket at the Canberra Quilters room ... I started the quilt the other day ... not sure if I will get it finished, but if I do - it will be weird - lol 

(and if you look at the date on that tweet - yes - I wrote a lot of this blog post a week or 2 before posting it :)

I guess now I know WHY I am weird - yes - I will still call myself weird, and I am usually quite happy to be called weird - to me that word is a compliment ... I AM different, and I always will be ... and, from a very young age, I have always known I was ... and I had kind of accepted that, because I knew it was just how I was, and that it wasn't ever likely to change (because I wouldn't still be me if it did), and I knew that there were some things about being whatever sort of different I was, that were good/useful (eg creativity/etc :) or at least made me laugh - and I liked that - and because I knew, and had come to accept, that I was different to everyone else I knew, I think I was quite happy to be proud of being weird :)  ... I still am - but now - I know why I am different ... 

(but I still like the word "weird" lol)

And one more ... could also be an "is it weird that I think that...?" 

Irony:

Is it just me that finds it ironic? (or ammusing? or something ...) that Aspies tend to think about things in "black or white" terms ... and Aspergers is definitely NOT a "black or white" condition?! ... hmm - no wonder I am so confused right now?!??

Interesting ... yes - oddly enough, while I am finding all this stuff a bit frightening, I am also finding it rather interesting ... which makes it a bit less frightening, I guess ...

Oh - and in case anyone is getting too worried about me - yes, I have a lot going on in my head, with all the work situation/stress disorder/Aspergers diagnosis/etc ... but oddly enough - apart from that, I am actually feeling sort of ok (at least most of the time ... I have ups and downs, but I guess that is to be expected ...), and also doing some things I enjoy, because they are just what I need to de-stress (in fact I am quite happy that my psychologist has told me I should go to quilt group, and go Geocaching - lol) ... yes, it is still an uphil climb, with a long way to go - but I am hopeful that the view from the top is going to be fantastic :)

And another ...

Imagine:

Having a stress disorder (which I currently do) affects things like "executive functioning" in the brain and so does Aspergers ... and both those things make each other worse ... no wonder I am so confused ... and functioning so badly (in some ways) right now! 

So ...

If anyone else is feeling confused when I talk/write about all the stuff going on in/with my messed up brain, and is having trouble understanding it - imagine what it is like for me, inside my head, trying to make sense of it all WITH that same messed up brain!