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Monday, May 15, 2017

Recovering? ... slowly ...

... and Re writing what I Remember of what I was going to write for ABC Wednesday letter Q post as my letter R post ... after Blogger was Really annoying and lost what I had spent ages typing ...

There is Rather a lot of odd mental health stuff in the first part of this post - so if you Really would Rather not Read that bit - feel free to scroll down a bit ... the fun stuff starts just before the photos :)

Re the title ... Yes, I am still Recovering from all the mess in my mind ... "Adjustment disorder with anxiety" is what the medical certificate says ... "Work Stress", or something like that, is what I have been calling it when I tell most people about it ... the Really strange situation I have found myself in ... which I have been blogging about Recently ... which Resulted in the Revelation that I have Aspergers.

The whole thing has been Rather confusing, yet interesting, all at the same time ... and Results in so Rather odd and surprising Realisations of things I didn't know about myself/why I am Reacting to things the way I am ... which can make things get Rather ... er ... interesting ... lol

So what has this got to do with a Quite interesting day I had Recently? ... well ... Really glad you asked - lol
(although if you Really don't want to Read all about my mental health/etc - feel free to scroll past that and Read about my Relaxing afternoon and a Rather fun evening :)

The day started with a visit to my GP, with my case manager (for work) ... to do a Review of my graduated Return to work (which I started a couple of weeks ago) ... 

He asked how I felt and I told him ... the actual work seems to be the only thing I felt was going ok (and even that - I am not 100% sure about!) ... with everything else I had been feeling like I was getting nowhere and still feeling just as stressed, and overwhelmed ... and strange and confused and lost and worried ... and depressed? (Can't really tell what I feel ... just like ... something ... everything? ... is not right ...?)
We had a good talk, and he reassured me that I was allowed to feel like that, but I should try and just worry about now now, and later ... later ... easier said than done - lol - but he told me to keep doing what I am - going to quilting group, and Geocaching/etc to unwind/take my mind of things, etc ... and when I told him that when I got upset/stressed at Uni I would listen to Pink Floyd with the volume up really loud he even suggested I do that when I get home and have things I need/want to get done (tried that on Saturday night - it did make doing a sink full of dishes much more enjoyable :)
We also all had a bit of a laugh when I mentioned that maybe I was now having trouble adjusting to having adjustment disorder ;)
I felt a bit better after that ... 
... then after talking for a bit (about workers compensation forms) with the case manager it was time to dash off to see my Psychologist ... who I had been feeling like I was having trouble communicating/connecting with (part of why I felt I was not actually getting anywhere with all this stuff) ... a text message I sent (to a close friend) kind of explains what happened there - I copied the relevant bit:

...I am doing ok... or at least ok for an Aspie with a stress disorder... lol... still discovering things about myself/what is going on with me that kind of make me wonder if I should tell myself I am an idiot and do that *head desk* thing - lol ... The most recent one being on Friday, when I saw the psychologist and realised I somehow had 2 different copies of the stuff I was going to ask him about and neither of those contained the thing I remembered i wanted to ask, and I kind of got all confused and befuddled, and then we talked for a bit and it finally dawned on him (and therefore also me) that the times when I kind of feel like I have been tying myself up in knots about things and/or feeling confused and overwhelmed and unsettled... is actually the Aspie/me version of anxiety!... and I was totally unaware that was what it is/what anxiety feels like (because - Aspergers... means I have trouble actually figuring out my own emotions... and if it wasn't so darn inconvenient it would be funny :)
... but now that, at last, my psychologist finally seems to "get me" and now I understand a little bit more about my crazy mixed up emotions and stuff, I actually feel a bit better than I was feeling for the last week or 3 :) now I am wondering what weird thing I am going to get tripped up by next - lol

Really?! ... it didn't occur to me that what I felt like might actually be anxiety?! ... when that is part of the name/label the doctor has given my stress disorder? Ahrgh - lol - yes, it all sounds a bit Ridiculous now ... but I guess that is mostly because my mind is so darn messy at the moment ... 
(and that whole bit where I kind of got flustered and sort of froze ... think I have felt that before ... and the more I think about stuff like that - the more questions I have ... sigh)

Anyway ... that was not my whole Friday - that was just the morning!

After I had seen the Psychologist, I just had time to head in to town for a lunch time talk all about Renewable hydrogen ... Not sure how much of it I Really listened to though - I was a bit distracted by stuff going around in my head - lol
But I did enjoy the egg sandwiches and the glass or wine! (wasn't expecting that, but who am I to say no? :)

Then I sat in my car for a few minutes to have a look what Geocache to find for my daily find (nearly 400 days in  row now :) and noticed a nearby puzzle one that I figured I could solve - so I decided to do that ... a few minutes of fiddling (which involved saving a photo to my phone and then finding and downloading a phone app to view the exif information on it) and then all I needed to do was go for a walk part way up a nearby hill and find the cache ... it was in a tree ... and there was quite a lot of room in the tree ... so - yes - I just had to sit in the tree and take a selfie :)

as usual, I took a pile of photos ... even got one of that Nexus thing from Star Trek - lol
(and no - I didn't try to jump up and leap into it - why would I want to go there? - I think my real life is fine for now :)

... but - because it was so nice up there - I did sit on a nice soft bit of ground and do a 10 minute mindfulness meditation session with an app on my phone (something my psychologist suggested I try out - 10 free  dailysessions, with an app called Headspace)

After taking a few too many odd photos (I will spare you all the silly selfies :) I then noticed it was time to dash down the hill and head off to the art exhibition opening I had been planning to attend ... 

The Art exhibition was quite enjoyable - I had fun wandering around the gallery looking at art, while nibbling on nuts, fruit, cheese, crackers, etc. and drinking a glass of wine - lol

Then, as I had planned earlier, I walked over to the nearb yshopping mall to buy a new electric jug/kettle (my old one had died a day or 2 earlier) ... I also ended up with an armload of T shirts ($3 each, and I needed a couple more nice new ones for next Summer anyway) and a kitchen gadget ... and, despite having an armload of shopping to carry, I decided to head back via the car park where some sneaky sod had recently hidden a Geocache, to have a quick look and see if I could be sneaky enough to find it :)
... a bit of a look up the top, nothing found ... headed down the nearest stairs, which went right to the bottom - nobody around so I had a good look there, bent down and had one last look around the bottom of the stairs before heading up to try the next level, and stood up to find myself face to face with someone who I had not even heard coming down the stairs ... Oops? ... was just wondering what he must be thinking when he asked if I was looking for it too - yes - another Geocacher :)
Turns out he was there looking, and had been a few times, and had determined that it may be up in a place where only a ladder and/or a monkey could reach ... so he was waiting for someone else to arrive with a ladder ... so I waited with him ... and the somebody (2 more Geocachers) arrived, and ... all ideas of being stealthy out the window - we carried the ladder over to the spot, and I climbed up and sure enough - there it was :)
So .. 4 Geocachers with a ladder - what else would we do but decide to go find another cache that required the use of a ladder - a cache up a tree ... I had actually found that one already (without a ladder too :) , but happily went along in case they needed my climbing skills ... it was an easy climb so one of the others decided he would do the climbing ... but they were happy to take me up on my offer to climb up and fetch 2 much harder tree climbing caches nearby, which I had also found previously ... but I enjoy climbing trees - and they enjoyed watching me - lol 
Then we all decided to head in to town and find another tree cache - this time one I had not found before (but had stood underneath and looked up at, and decided I was not feeling quite up to it at the time, and would come back with my nice long folding ladder and get it the easy way :)
On the way we went past yet another tree cache - a very easy climb, and one I had hidden - lol - No ladder required, but we went because 2 of the group figured the 4th person would enjoy it ... he did ... and it was quite weird standing there watching someone else find my Geocache :)
We then headed over to the one none of us had found ... and, even though the ladder we had with is was way too short to do what I had been planning, I decided I was game to give it a go this time, seeing I had someone with me for safety (oh - ok - I admit it - seeing I had someone watching me, to show off to :))
So ... up the ladder I went (could have scrambled up without one, but ladder was way easier) and on to the big horizontal branch one has to walk (or crawl/whatever) across ... no - I am not that well balanced/confident, so I did what a lot of people have done and sat astride the branch and wiggled my way along until I was at the vertical branch where I had to stand up and reach the cache from up on that ... signed our names, sat back astride the big branch and wiggled my way back and down ... and felt extremely satisfied that I had done it the proper way instead of "cheating" and just climbing straight up to it with my nice long ladder ... 
By the time we got back to the shopping mall where we had all met, it was after Midnight!
... We all had lots of fun ... I know I did ... and the next evening when I looked down at my legs after having a shower I noticed they were covered in all sorts of odd looking bruises, that I don't have a clue exactly how I got ... lol (if I am having too much fun I don't notice when I do little ouchy things like that - I always know I must have had a good time doing something if I have bruises and/or scratches/missing skin - lol)

Oh ... And a couple more R things I just Remembered (actually got Reminded, when I found them in notes, on my iPad :) that I had wRitten somewhere else (probably before I wrote most of the other stuff) Ready to include in here:

A few more R words?

Relieved ... to now know what I am/why things went so "pear shaped" with work/etc ... 

Repeat ... Now I think about it, the same kind of thing has happened most of my working life? Not to anywhere near the same extent, but mostly because I have not worked in any other job long enough for it to build up to that? ... Mostly I have left/moved for other reasons, like only temporary work, leaving town, getting posted elsewhere, having kids, etc.

Realisation ... that my life is probably never going to be easy ... but that is ok ... I am well and truly used to that - lol 


  1. Not every day is a celebration is it, but still those days need to be here for else we would not appreciate the wonderful days as much as they deserve, keep the head up, giving is not an option.

    Wonderful photo's again, thank you.

    1. Actually it kind of was a celebration ... Of me gaining one more small (or maybe even big?) insight into what goes on inside my mixed up mind - lol
      (and the more I learn, the easier it is to work with and get somewhere, rather than fighting it, and losing :)
      ... And a celebration that even while I am going through all this stuff, I can still get out and do things and have fun, sometimes even with other people who accept me for who I am ... or at least tolerate me - lol

  2. The thing I like about WP is that I don't lose as much stuff in blogging.


Feel free to have your say ... I will read it eventually ... and maybe even answer you, if you asked a question ;-)