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Showing posts with label MentalHealth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MentalHealth. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Everything Is Starting To Make Sense Now ...



My oh my, how things have changed since I wrote my first post on https://aykayem.wordpress.com/ !
(which is where I posted this, a few days ago, and where I might keep blogging, because Blogger is getting really really annoying :)

At the time I started that Wordpress blog, I (thought I) was happily married, I seemed to have a good life, and a job that even though it didn’t pay to well, it was one I liked … and the hours were good and the pay was enough with what my husband earned as well … I thought my life was relatively normal … and I had a place in the world, even if I achieved nothing else in life, it now didn’t matter, as I was the mother of my children 🙂
Maybe I was not quite where a younger me had hoped and dreamed I might be, but it was ok …

 … but I was not ok … I guess I never really was … that started to become all too evident when things started to unravel … I guess my life had been unravelling a bit for some time … but the first I noticed anything wrong, apart from a niggling feeling that I wasn’t totally happy, but I couldn’t work out why, was the day my (now ex) husband came home early from work and announced that he was leaving me, as he packed up his things – said had decided we would be happier apart … turns out he was actually right about that … just an … interesting … way of doing things …
At the time I then realised that things had not been right for quite a while … but at that stage I just thought it was him, and the fact that we had not been right for each other … we weren’t … but it turns out there was a lot more to it than just that …
I probably don’t need to do a whole long blog post all about what happened next/since then … I blogged it overhere ... at aykayem.blogspot.com … and I think I am going to copy those posts in here, to this to my Wordpress blog, if it works … (By all means, feel free to follow that link and go and read them all)
 … except I will say that when he left early in 2013, I realised I had not been happy for quite some time, and I started picking up the pieces of my life, and rebuilding … I cleaned up, packed up, and sold “our” house, and bought and moved to my own house, and I was looking for a better job … I was told I was coping really well, and I felt like I was doing fine … but there was one crucial price of the puzzle missing … in fact it had been missing for many, many years … and things stopped getting better, and started getting worse … until last year, when I started to realise that something was not right, but couldn’t work out what I was doing wrong, and I spiraled into a mess of anxiety and depression, and ended up falling apart …

 But now, this year, at 54 years of age … I have found that missing piece of the puzzle that I am …

 … after a lifetime of feeling alien and different and confused, I have finally found somewhere I fit in, somewhere I belong – and I am actually happy to say that I have joined the ranks of the “late diagnosed Aspies”

 Yes – I – who went to university, served in the Army, married and had kids, became involved in all sorts of stuff in the community, and has worked in the same job for about 18 years, until I finally “broke” – am actually Autistic …

 … and I am now in the … interesting … process of finding my true self 🙂

 

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

Doctors and Psychiatrists and Psychologists and ...

... Specialists and Therapists and a case manager or 2, a Rehabilitation Provider, and a Lawyer, and who knows who else I have forgotten/am not yet sure about, who I can add to the list of people I have had appointments/met/etc with lately ... or might be seeing soon ... 

In the last 12 months I think I have seem more medical professionals than the whole rest of my life ... maybe not quite, but it sure feels like it ... I seem to have been plunged into a whole new world, that I knew next to nothing about ... 

So why am I Drowning in Doctors/etc? ... Long story ... which involves falling apart, and then being Diagnosed with a Disability I Didn't know I had (and have had all my life) and a mental health Disorder that I don't quite know how long I have had, or how long it will last ... 

(If you want to know more, you can Delve into some of my last few blog posts - most of them explain a bit more about all that :)

I guess the positive side of being Diagnosed as Autistic/Aspie, and also Diagnosed with "Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety", is that I can have a lot of fun trying to Describe myself :)

... which is a pleasant change from my school/teenage years when other people had fun Describing me ... and most of the Descriptions/names were rather Derogatory (Dumb, Dopey, Disturbing, Disgusting, ... and that is only one letter of the alphabet! ... Doing D words because that is the letter we are up to with ABC Wednesday :)

[Later edit: Well, we were when I started Doing this post ... being busy, then Blogger not playing nice, has meant I seem to have missed the Deadline ... but now that I have Done this post I am going to "Deliver" it to my blog anyway ...]

At school, I also got called retard, and a few other things that meant much the same thing...

Mind you ... I Did Do a few crazy things to earn some of the names I was called ... like eating raw sausages in front of everyone else (as in a whole school of about 800 students!) who were waiting for the end of year BBQ to be cooked, always picking up creepy crawlies, and taking home the lens out of the eye of the mouse I Dissected in Science class ... not to mention turning up to school every day for who knows how many weeks in grade 6, wearing a pair of antennae I had made out of wire ... and also still wearing them to quite a few other places for quite some time after that ... because my hero was not someone most people liked, like Roy Rodgers or Batman or Barbie or Superman - it was Uncle Martin from the TV series My Favourite Martian ... because he was an alien having to cope with being stranded on the wrong planet, and I could identify with that feeling :)

So ... How should I Describe myself? 

Dunno ...

Maybe "Delightfully Different"? 

Will that Do?

(I think I WAS going to use that for the title of this post, but I changed my mind :)

Better than "Disturbingly Different" which, I think, is probably how the other kids at school saw me :)
... and how *some* people still see me now.

Damn ... I seem to have written yet another post that is probably not very interesting ... So ... Here is ... NOT a photo of a nearby Dam, where I often walk my Dog ... and a photo of my Delightful Dog - his name is Diesel ... he even has a Twitter account - @DieselDoggle :)
The 2 Differnt things I spent an hour trying to Do, to add those photos - Didn't work ... So I had a look what was already on my iPad and found a Different photo of Diesel, from almost a year ago, sleeping on my Deck :)

Shhh ... Don't Disturb the sleeping Doggy's Delightful Dreams :)



I gave up on trying to add the other photos that I was going to put in here - because I got sick of arguing with Blogger trying to put them in there from Google photos ... Neither the Android app or the iPad app do all the things I need to actually write a blog post and include a hyperlink and add a photo, and the editor on the website doesn't work properly on my iPad ... in Safari or Chrome ... and I just spent over half an hour adding a photo and editing this, hit the post button and the stupid effing blogger app crashed, signed me out, and lost all the changes - ahrgh! - might be time to move my blog elsewhere? I guess I could copy all my posts over to a Wordpress blog I have, but don't use, and then keep on posting to Wordpress? Pity, because I used to like blogger, when it worked for me ... and moving a blog is a pain ... but posting to blogger has now become more of a pain than moving my blog is likely to be ... 

... I will try and post about something a bit more Exciting for the letter E ... hopefully in a couple Days time - a bit Earlier than I am Doing this D post :) ... I actually Do have something in mind already ... something to Do with a quilt Exhibition I Entered  some quilts in ... something I never Expected, and am not only surprised and Excited about, but also Extremely happy :)

Actually I found out about the thing I am happy about while I was up on Mt Stromlo taking photos in the freezing cold wind and rain, which is probably part of the reason I then ended up taking selfies while Doing a happy Dance in the Destroyed Dome of a telescope ... I was going to say it was Disused - but it Definitely isn't - it seems to be the Done thing to use it to take portraits, wedding photos, photos of motorcycles, and even to have concerts in ... 


I also took a Different photo (Didn't use it here because the movement made it a bit Distorted) where I set the self timer and twirled around until it took the photo ... and ended up feeling rather Dizzy! 
(Erk - a slightly Disturbing feeling - lol)

There are also some other things I thought about putting in here, but I Didn't ... I Decided that maybe I shouldn't say them yet ... partly the "if you Don't have anything nice to say, Don't say anything" thing :)
Also - partly because they are a bit Depressing ... or just Don't really fit ... or require me to Delve in to a lot more Details than I want to go into right now ... and I want to Do a Decent job of explaining a couple of other things, in their own posts, maybe :)
... somehow I Definitely Don't think I can/should really go into too much Detail quite yet, about the Disillusionment of being in the situation I am still in at the moment with work, where all the "red tape" etc. means that things are still happening at the speed of Dark ... let's just say that I am not the only person who is Disturbed and Disgusted at the Dreadful way some things have been/not been Done ... 

... One thing I Do want to eventually write something (more) about is my newly Discovered Disability, and the "Delights" of being *almost* normal ...

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Oh Oh

... I missed N

Not what I was planning, but Not really surprising - seeing I posted my M post very late - lol
... So ... for ABC Wednesday - I guess I posted ... Nothing :)
Not that it matters either - I had an idea or 3 but couldn't really decide, and Not sure I really kNew what I wanted to say ... I might use one or more of the ideas Next time ...

Now ...


On to the letter O 
Oh dear ... What should I write about?

Oh Oh? ... I am starting back at work this week, On a graduated return after a few months of sick leave (see my F and H posts for more about why) ...  not sure how Optimistic I am about how it will go ... kind of depends what happens when I get there ... but if I am treated Ok it should work Out ...

Out of sorts ... Meaning unwell - well - yes, that is why I have been off work - I have a Mental Health condition ... a stress disorder ... which I am still in the process of recovering from ... and I am starting to realise it may take some time ...

Odd? ... Of course I am ... it should be Obvious from the weird things I post here :)
I have always felt like the Odd one Out, and known I was different, and a bit weird ... I learnt to live with it, and in many ways I chose to be proud of it ... being an Oddball can come in handy for some things ... Oddly enough, I am not the Only Oddball around ... I have noticed there a few Other Odd people around too ... mostly Online ... and some are more Odd than others :)

Only ...
Only Human, Only earn xxx, Only a ..., Only got 5/10, Only something I made, Only average at doing xxx, Only in your mind, Only mildly Autistic, and so On
... not the best ways to use that word, for all sorts of different reasons (and if I remember to do it - a couple of those are links to interesting things :)
 ... same applies to the word Just ... which people in my quilt group have said is banned when holding up a quilt for show and tell and they say "this quilt is just ... " lol

Ok... Needs a photo... Or 2... Or more... Oddly enough, I found Oodles of photos I could use for O... some for Obscure reasons, some more Obvious :)

An Odd doodle:

... That led to an Odd quilt idea :)

the Other half of my scribbled quilt idea became a couple of Odd tweets :)

Odd shadows

Odd angles



Odd selfie ... In an Office window in Civic

Odd courtyard I found in Civic

Ok, if you must ... Off you go ... Leave me in the dark ...

On top of a hill


Ominous weather ...



Orb spider web :)
Odd art? - no, just some junk someone must have fished out of the lake ...

OK? Where do I sleep?!

OMG - I did it! - 366 days of finding at least one Geocache every day :) ... which meant I was allowed to come and find this challenge cache ... which I actually did on day 367 ... and I am still going - not sure how to stop - lol