Pages ... if I get around to it ...

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Turning point?

Have I reached a Turning point?

maybe? ... I hope so ...

A few months ago I just felt confused, and Terrible, and have since spent some Time Trying to sort out my messy mind ... Over The last week or 2 a few people I know have commented that I seem better, more settled, even different ... and yes - I feel a bit less frightened and stressed, and a couple of Things that a month or 3 ago would have sent me into yet another Tailspin of obsession and anxiety are actually not worrying me Too much ...

Although I am slightly worried that this is just an up before the next down ... a lot of my recovery (from the stress disorder) has, so far, been Two steps forward, one step back ... but ... maybe Things are going ok - There is progress, and even if There is a setback, I have survived so far - I am Tough (resilient? stubborn? "D: all of the above"? :) ... so if I fall down, I will just do as I have always done - pick myself up and Try again :)

My parents are down here visiting me (arrived Sunday) and Tonight (Saturday night actually - I wrote this post in the wee small hours of Sunday :) I was Talking to Mum, and she said I seemed different ... different than I had been for many years (maybe even forever) ... and yes ... I guess I do feel a bit different ... I Think ... lol
Possibly I have been way more stressed, for way longer than I ever realised? ... and I know that, despite knowing there are some things I am quite good at, I have had quite low self esteem for as long as I can remember ... but Mum said now I seem more confident ... 
... hmm ... maybe I am?
Maybe now that I know myself a bit better, and know why I have had Trouble with the Things that have been problems for me - I now don't feel so bad about myself, and can be proud of who I am, and how well I have done while spending my life feeling like I have been fighting an invisible enemy ... (who is now my friend :)
Maybe my diagnosis (and learning more about what it means for me) has given me the serenity I needed to accept the things I can't change, and to change the things I can?

Where once stood a confused and frightened nobody, now stands a proud Aspie :)

... Andrea the Aspie:
awkward but amazing,
weird and wonderful,
peculiar ... and proud!
Terrible at some things, yet Talented at others ...

... Time to be True to myself :)

... Typical - couldn't Think what to write for my ABC Wednesday letter T post - and Then one just kind of wrote itself in my head while I was having my shower - lol
(However Trying To Take a nice selfie To go in here was another matter - I ended up resorting To "here is one I prepared earlier" (Two photos, Taken with self Timer Thingy, on Top of a hill a few days ago:)

And ... because I can - another photo I just Took:

Some sewing ... On left: something I started Today, on right: what I should be working on :)

Thursday, May 18, 2017

So much...

So much I could Say, about So many things?

So many ideas for what to post about, for ABC Wednesday letter S ... mostly (but, Sorry, not all) quite Short, So I might Say Several of them :)

So many things I need/want to do - like catching up with some Geocache logging from when I was in NZ last year, putting all my holiday photos onto the computer/hard drives and Sorting them out, and finishing unpacking and Setting up my Sewing room/etc - (Seeing it is now about 18 months Since I moved in to my own house!) ... and for most of all the time I have had off work - I think I was way too Stressed to be able to actually do that Sort of Stuff ... Sigh

So much fun?
Yes, I many not have got a lot of my "to do" list done while I was off on Sick leave, but I did Still manage to have some fun - it is probably what kept me at least Sort of Sane ... being able to go and do Some fun Stuff, and having a wonderful Dog to do come home to (or do Some of it with :), quite possibly Stopped me from doing Something Silly when my whole world Seemed like it was falling apart and I didn't know why - I was able to take my mind off things and "recharge my batteries" a bit ... So I ended up doing all Sorts of Silly Stuff like Splashing about on lakes in my kayak, bushwalking, Sewing quilts, and Geocaching :)

... So ... this might be a good Spot to Stop and add a few photos ... of Some Stuff I have done recently, and Some Stuff I have found interesting and taken photos of while doing Stuff :)

Slightly bushed?
Silly Selfie :)
Some Silhouetted (or however one Spells that word :) trees that I took a Screen Shot of to use for a design excercise at an art quilt meeting.

Strange tree.
Strange person in tree :)
Spikey tower
Some books I borrowed from the library
(a bit of light reading?! :)
Silvery raindrops, twinkling on my tree
Sunset, Somewhere I went walking to Search for (and found :) a Geocache. 
Strange artistic fence post...
Somewhere down there is a river (where I found the Geocache :)
Some Scribbles on the whiteboard at Canberra Quilters room - we were drawing quilt designs
(mine is the Spikey thing on the left :)
Sleeping dog
(so I let him lie :)
Some trees in a courtyard at work (I am Sitting under a Similar one out by the gate at the moment ... using my laptop on their wifi to add the captions to these photos and post this mess ... and it is raining leaves - they keep landing on my laptop! :)
Somewhere else I went Geocaching :)
Smoke (from a controlled burn)
Smoke - same lot as other photo but a bit later
 ... looks like someone tried to nuke Parliament House and missed :)
Diesel dog, Shredding the rubbish while I was Sweeping the other half of the floor ...
Strange Sky
Same Strange Sky, Slightly different angle.
more Sky
Still more Sky ...
... and the best part, as far as Stress relief goes, about Geocaching (and most of the other stuff too) was not just finding Geocaches, it was all the wandering around in the bush, Seeing interesting things, taking photos (including Several Silly Selfies :) and generally Slowing down my busy mind so it could be Slightly more Still ...

So much Stuff ...
Yes, I collect ... Stuff ... when I was little, very little even, I used to drive my parents nuts - filling my pocket up with rocks and gum nuts and bits of string and wire, and whatever else I had found and decided I wanted to keep ... I still pick up interesting rocks and things ... and my pockets are never big enough for all the Shells I pick up when I go to the beach ...
Over the years I have also collected a huge Sewing/textile art Stash ... Sewing, and other crafty stuff is a "Special interest" I have had, and will probably continue to have, for many years (and yes, there are others - an Aspie can have more than one :)

"Stuff" was also a part of the problems I ended up having at work ... Science equipment and Store rooms full of equipment and supplies and other junk to keep tidy and organised ... when organising is not exactly my strong point ... not when it also involves organising it in a way that also Satisfies Several other people who use it, and having to do all the other things my job entailed, all at the Same time. It was nice to be able to play with all Sorts of fun Science Stuff, and I kind of miss that ... but I just wasn't So good at Sorting out all the ... Stuff ...

Science is fun ... did I mention having more than one Special interest? - lol - Science is another one ... that and Space, and Science fiction - when I was a teenager I used to read about 4 books a week ... at least 3 were Sci Fi novels ... and the 4th one usually was too ... I think I read every Sci Fi book the public library had :)
... I guess, even though I am not sure the word was even invented yet - I was a nerd?!
One odd thing though ... Space invaders was a thing when I was in my late teens ... but I never actually played it! ... Something about not wanting to Spend 20c to sit/stand and push a button in a vain attempt to "kill" Some pretend Space Ships ...? That, and I didn't like doing things unless I knew I could actually do them (which is why I quite happily did stuff like climbing up trees, but only if I knew I could safely get down again :) ... and, with space invaders (or any of those kind of games/etc) - me actually pressing the buttons at the right time so my "missiles" would actually hit their target, with me being as uncoordinated as I was - I just knew that was not going to happen - lol

So Social ...
Yes - I actually like meeting people/doing stuff with people and Socialising (although I think quite a few of those I have Socialised with would probably preferred I didn't - as I have been described as things like having been "vaccinated with a gramophone needle" ... and "weird" and "(annoying" ... and probably worse...) , the whole Seeking Social Stuff thing is Something which Sort of confuses me - and it was one of the reasons that even though I had, Several years ago, Suspected I possibly had Aspergers, I really didn't think I quite fit all the criteria ... besides - how could an Aspie be Such a Showoff/Seeker of attention as I can be?! But yes - it Seems that is quite possible ... there is Such a thing as an Aspie Extrovert - lol

Or at least Slightly more So? ... I have had a few people mention to me, in the last Several days, that I Seem to be more Settled than I was last time they saw me/a few weeks ago ... Somehow I think they might be right ... could be a Sign that I am finally Sorting my messy mind out Slightly ... although - Same as my Sewing/etc stuff - I am not sure it will actually ever be nice and neat and tidy - lol

... I wrote that last bit just now, but a week or 2 ago I wrote this:

Small Steps?
Maybe getting Somewhere ... but Still a long way to go ...
... Stress is a weird thing.
none of this has been Smooth Sailing ... but maybe the storm is passing now?
things are Slightly calmer ... Sometimes ...
... and it will take Some time to Settle down/recover/return to Some Semblance of a "normal" Settled life ...
... probably once I have finished doing the whole graduated return to work thing, and the whole "apply for a transfer" thing can happen, and I get a new position Somewhere ... or not ... and hopefully end up in a Job more Suited to me ... but who knows what, or when that will be ... Sometime ... I will do/be ... Something ... I guess ...

... Seems it is time to Start the rest of my life?

... Maybe even time to reach for the Stars?


... but right now? - off to find my daily Geocache ... think I am up to about day 400 in a row now (if day 400 is not today it is/was Sometime this week ... I was going to go for a month or so, then decided "until I go to NZ" but I kept going there and decided to do a whole year ... but then I kind of didn't know how to Stop :)

Monday, May 15, 2017

Recovering? ... slowly ...

... and Re writing what I Remember of what I was going to write for ABC Wednesday letter Q post as my letter R post ... after Blogger was Really annoying and lost what I had spent ages typing ...

There is Rather a lot of odd mental health stuff in the first part of this post - so if you Really would Rather not Read that bit - feel free to scroll down a bit ... the fun stuff starts just before the photos :)

Re the title ... Yes, I am still Recovering from all the mess in my mind ... "Adjustment disorder with anxiety" is what the medical certificate says ... "Work Stress", or something like that, is what I have been calling it when I tell most people about it ... the Really strange situation I have found myself in ... which I have been blogging about Recently ... which Resulted in the Revelation that I have Aspergers.

The whole thing has been Rather confusing, yet interesting, all at the same time ... and Results in so Rather odd and surprising Realisations of things I didn't know about myself/why I am Reacting to things the way I am ... which can make things get Rather ... er ... interesting ... lol

So what has this got to do with a Quite interesting day I had Recently? ... well ... Really glad you asked - lol
(although if you Really don't want to Read all about my mental health/etc - feel free to scroll past that and Read about my Relaxing afternoon and a Rather fun evening :)

The day started with a visit to my GP, with my case manager (for work) ... to do a Review of my graduated Return to work (which I started a couple of weeks ago) ... 

He asked how I felt and I told him ... the actual work seems to be the only thing I felt was going ok (and even that - I am not 100% sure about!) ... with everything else I had been feeling like I was getting nowhere and still feeling just as stressed, and overwhelmed ... and strange and confused and lost and worried ... and depressed? (Can't really tell what I feel ... just like ... something ... everything? ... is not right ...?)
We had a good talk, and he reassured me that I was allowed to feel like that, but I should try and just worry about now now, and later ... later ... easier said than done - lol - but he told me to keep doing what I am - going to quilting group, and Geocaching/etc to unwind/take my mind of things, etc ... and when I told him that when I got upset/stressed at Uni I would listen to Pink Floyd with the volume up really loud he even suggested I do that when I get home and have things I need/want to get done (tried that on Saturday night - it did make doing a sink full of dishes much more enjoyable :)
We also all had a bit of a laugh when I mentioned that maybe I was now having trouble adjusting to having adjustment disorder ;)
I felt a bit better after that ... 
... then after talking for a bit (about workers compensation forms) with the case manager it was time to dash off to see my Psychologist ... who I had been feeling like I was having trouble communicating/connecting with (part of why I felt I was not actually getting anywhere with all this stuff) ... a text message I sent (to a close friend) kind of explains what happened there - I copied the relevant bit:

...I am doing ok... or at least ok for an Aspie with a stress disorder... lol... still discovering things about myself/what is going on with me that kind of make me wonder if I should tell myself I am an idiot and do that *head desk* thing - lol ... The most recent one being on Friday, when I saw the psychologist and realised I somehow had 2 different copies of the stuff I was going to ask him about and neither of those contained the thing I remembered i wanted to ask, and I kind of got all confused and befuddled, and then we talked for a bit and it finally dawned on him (and therefore also me) that the times when I kind of feel like I have been tying myself up in knots about things and/or feeling confused and overwhelmed and unsettled... is actually the Aspie/me version of anxiety!... and I was totally unaware that was what it is/what anxiety feels like (because - Aspergers... means I have trouble actually figuring out my own emotions... and if it wasn't so darn inconvenient it would be funny :)
... but now that, at last, my psychologist finally seems to "get me" and now I understand a little bit more about my crazy mixed up emotions and stuff, I actually feel a bit better than I was feeling for the last week or 3 :) now I am wondering what weird thing I am going to get tripped up by next - lol

Really?! ... it didn't occur to me that what I felt like might actually be anxiety?! ... when that is part of the name/label the doctor has given my stress disorder? Ahrgh - lol - yes, it all sounds a bit Ridiculous now ... but I guess that is mostly because my mind is so darn messy at the moment ... 
(and that whole bit where I kind of got flustered and sort of froze ... think I have felt that before ... and the more I think about stuff like that - the more questions I have ... sigh)

Anyway ... that was not my whole Friday - that was just the morning!

After I had seen the Psychologist, I just had time to head in to town for a lunch time talk all about Renewable hydrogen ... Not sure how much of it I Really listened to though - I was a bit distracted by stuff going around in my head - lol
But I did enjoy the egg sandwiches and the glass or wine! (wasn't expecting that, but who am I to say no? :)

Then I sat in my car for a few minutes to have a look what Geocache to find for my daily find (nearly 400 days in  row now :) and noticed a nearby puzzle one that I figured I could solve - so I decided to do that ... a few minutes of fiddling (which involved saving a photo to my phone and then finding and downloading a phone app to view the exif information on it) and then all I needed to do was go for a walk part way up a nearby hill and find the cache ... it was in a tree ... and there was quite a lot of room in the tree ... so - yes - I just had to sit in the tree and take a selfie :)

as usual, I took a pile of photos ... even got one of that Nexus thing from Star Trek - lol
(and no - I didn't try to jump up and leap into it - why would I want to go there? - I think my real life is fine for now :)

... but - because it was so nice up there - I did sit on a nice soft bit of ground and do a 10 minute mindfulness meditation session with an app on my phone (something my psychologist suggested I try out - 10 free  dailysessions, with an app called Headspace)

After taking a few too many odd photos (I will spare you all the silly selfies :) I then noticed it was time to dash down the hill and head off to the art exhibition opening I had been planning to attend ... 

The Art exhibition was quite enjoyable - I had fun wandering around the gallery looking at art, while nibbling on nuts, fruit, cheese, crackers, etc. and drinking a glass of wine - lol

Then, as I had planned earlier, I walked over to the nearb yshopping mall to buy a new electric jug/kettle (my old one had died a day or 2 earlier) ... I also ended up with an armload of T shirts ($3 each, and I needed a couple more nice new ones for next Summer anyway) and a kitchen gadget ... and, despite having an armload of shopping to carry, I decided to head back via the car park where some sneaky sod had recently hidden a Geocache, to have a quick look and see if I could be sneaky enough to find it :)
... a bit of a look up the top, nothing found ... headed down the nearest stairs, which went right to the bottom - nobody around so I had a good look there, bent down and had one last look around the bottom of the stairs before heading up to try the next level, and stood up to find myself face to face with someone who I had not even heard coming down the stairs ... Oops? ... was just wondering what he must be thinking when he asked if I was looking for it too - yes - another Geocacher :)
Turns out he was there looking, and had been a few times, and had determined that it may be up in a place where only a ladder and/or a monkey could reach ... so he was waiting for someone else to arrive with a ladder ... so I waited with him ... and the somebody (2 more Geocachers) arrived, and ... all ideas of being stealthy out the window - we carried the ladder over to the spot, and I climbed up and sure enough - there it was :)
So .. 4 Geocachers with a ladder - what else would we do but decide to go find another cache that required the use of a ladder - a cache up a tree ... I had actually found that one already (without a ladder too :) , but happily went along in case they needed my climbing skills ... it was an easy climb so one of the others decided he would do the climbing ... but they were happy to take me up on my offer to climb up and fetch 2 much harder tree climbing caches nearby, which I had also found previously ... but I enjoy climbing trees - and they enjoyed watching me - lol 
Then we all decided to head in to town and find another tree cache - this time one I had not found before (but had stood underneath and looked up at, and decided I was not feeling quite up to it at the time, and would come back with my nice long folding ladder and get it the easy way :)
On the way we went past yet another tree cache - a very easy climb, and one I had hidden - lol - No ladder required, but we went because 2 of the group figured the 4th person would enjoy it ... he did ... and it was quite weird standing there watching someone else find my Geocache :)
We then headed over to the one none of us had found ... and, even though the ladder we had with is was way too short to do what I had been planning, I decided I was game to give it a go this time, seeing I had someone with me for safety (oh - ok - I admit it - seeing I had someone watching me, to show off to :))
So ... up the ladder I went (could have scrambled up without one, but ladder was way easier) and on to the big horizontal branch one has to walk (or crawl/whatever) across ... no - I am not that well balanced/confident, so I did what a lot of people have done and sat astride the branch and wiggled my way along until I was at the vertical branch where I had to stand up and reach the cache from up on that ... signed our names, sat back astride the big branch and wiggled my way back and down ... and felt extremely satisfied that I had done it the proper way instead of "cheating" and just climbing straight up to it with my nice long ladder ... 
By the time we got back to the shopping mall where we had all met, it was after Midnight!
... We all had lots of fun ... I know I did ... and the next evening when I looked down at my legs after having a shower I noticed they were covered in all sorts of odd looking bruises, that I don't have a clue exactly how I got ... lol (if I am having too much fun I don't notice when I do little ouchy things like that - I always know I must have had a good time doing something if I have bruises and/or scratches/missing skin - lol)

Oh ... And a couple more R things I just Remembered (actually got Reminded, when I found them in notes, on my iPad :) that I had wRitten somewhere else (probably before I wrote most of the other stuff) Ready to include in here:

A few more R words?

Relieved ... to now know what I am/why things went so "pear shaped" with work/etc ... 

Repeat ... Now I think about it, the same kind of thing has happened most of my working life? Not to anywhere near the same extent, but mostly because I have not worked in any other job long enough for it to build up to that? ... Mostly I have left/moved for other reasons, like only temporary work, leaving town, getting posted elsewhere, having kids, etc.

Realisation ... that my life is probably never going to be easy ... but that is ok ... I am well and truly used to that - lol 

Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Quite Annoyed...

... because the other day I spent Quite a long time (at least 2 hours, when I had other things I should have been doing) typing up a quite long  ABC Wednesday letter Q  post about Quite a weird day I had on Friday ... It started off Quite strange, got Quite scary even, but Quite interesting ... then the middle part Quietened down, then became Quite fun ... the first part of the day had Quite a bit to do with all the crazy stuff going on in my head, the middle was mainly doing a few nice things, then the last few hours were Quite lot of fun that resulted from Quite a random and unexpected Quirk of coincidence ...
If I can remember what I wrote, I might Rewrite it as an R post :)

Before that I was thinking of posting about Quilts I have made/half made/started/thought up ideas for/whatever ... But I need sleep ... I WAS just going to Quickly add photos to the already typed up draft I HAD and post it ... sigh ...

But I will still add a photo or 2 ... I only had one photo from Friday that I was going to add ... as well as one from Sunday - my hair is Quite short now (almost too short, but a week or 2 of growing and it should look Quite good :) ... It was getting Quite messy looking so I attacked it with the clippers - lol

And below those 2 photos ... some Quirky trees I saw on Saturday, and a Quiet hill top I ended up on, on Sunday ... it was Quite nice up there, but unfortunately I think the Geocache I was up there looking for might be missing ... so I detoured a bit further up the road and Quickly dashed into somewhere else and found another one instead :)